Sunday, August 7, 2011

Pet-owners: The Judgiest A-holes Around

I used to think parents were bad.

Not my parents -- just anyone who has ever bred, and specifically those who still have children under the age of 8.  In general, you are all kind of smug jerks.*

At the very top of the Douche Parent Food Chain you have the neo-hippie parent.  You know, the people who will tell you that crib bumpers, brie, and epidurals will sentence your kid to a lifetime of mediocrity at best, HORRIBLE DEATH at worst, and oh by the way, I lost the weight three months out because I breast fed and Mother Nature rewarded me with a tight ass AND a genius baby?  Yes, those people.  They're pretty horrible (and boring).

But I have found their match.


I may be one of them now, but I have to say, you all put the anti-bumper/brie/bottle people to shame.  Crate training is cruel. Not crate training is cruel. Buying from a breeder is immoral. Don't let them eat anything that has corn as an ingredient. Don't use retractable leashes. Do use retractable leashes. 

Single people shouldn't have pets.

People in apartments shouldn't have pets.

People without kids shouldn't have pets.  People with kids shouldn't have pets.

If you have a job where you can't take your dog to work, you should find one where you can.  (I imagine showering is also probably optional at such workplaces.)  In fact, if you have a career at all, you should never have been so selfish to get a job in the first place.  THE DOG IS EVERYTHING.

And if you can't abide by these precepts, you should give your dog away to someone who can so the dog will not live in such miserable conditions. (Ignoring, of course, the fact shelters and rescue groups are already overflowing with pets.)

I'm not saying I disagree with all of the above (the corn one is actually pretty true), but with the strident, cray-cray tone some people use to dispense their wisdom.

Here's a bit of wisdom I think we can all live with -- you know how sometimes the line between right and wrong is really fine? This is not one of those cases.

The line between child abuse or animal abuse and not-child abuse and not-animal abuse is HUGE.

You could run out of room on all the notebooks in the world writing down all the behavior that does not constitute abuse.

And the conduct that constitutes abuse? Generally pretty clear.  You can sum up that conduct in a few paragraphs -- like in state or federal criminal code.  

So please, give it a rest.

For other info on my hatred of animal people, see here, here, and here.

*You know it's true, get over it. Who else but parents can make laundry sound like a monumental achievement, or worse, the failure to do laundry somehow a virtue? The reason birth rates are falling is not because people don't like kids, it's because everyone is tired of being told about how VERY HARD it is to do something people have been doing since before we discovered fire. I never saw the movie, but I believe that the moral of I Am Sam addressed this point: literally, an idiot can do it.

This is another reason why I love older people - specifically, old people who themselves had kids a few decades or more ago.  Ask one of them for parenting advice, and do you know what you'll get?  A smile, a shrug, and a, "Oh, it's not that hard."  Ask a 29-year-old who has been a parent for like three days, and you'll get a dissertation.


PS: Go enter the CONTEST.  I'll be honest, my self-esteem is suffering due to the fact that no one wants my mystery prize.


  1. When you've got kids, sometimes doing laundry IS a monumental achievement. PARENTING is not that hard. HOUSEWORK or working from home while parenting can be incredibly difficult.

    I've started to have hard feelings toward dog owners. Our house is surrounded by families who own multiple dogs, and not one of those dogs is trained not to bark at us viciously when we go into OUR OWN back yard OR not to bark at five in the morning. Or, you know, to not jump the fence and pull our contractor off his ladder, leaving a four inch scar down his back.

    I try to have kind feelings toward all living creatures, but I have to admit, I'm starting to hate dogs and dog owners.

  2. Ha! It's not the raising of kids that's hard, it's the not killing them part. ;) Also, doing laundry is always a monumental achievement for me, with or without kids. (Damn you, laundry!)

    I'm with you on the pet owners thing though. You know who's the worst of the worst? Childless couples who have "furry children." If you can leave the house for hours at a time, not hire a babysitter, and not be at risk of arrest? They're not children.

  3. i'm going to go enter your contest in a minute because i liked your note after the asterisk so much that i overcame my laziness and clicked through from google reader to the actual blog to comment about it. but first, a story: one time somebody approached my husband while he was dog walking and spent ten minutes talking to him about harness-style collars (you know, the ones that go around the chest, unlike collars that just go around the neck, cruel torture devices that they are). which is all fine and good, because we like information. but then, right before he left, he said, "you should really get one of those harnesses. it's the humane thing to do." right. because dogs are just like humans.

  4. I guess I am an "oldie" because I would never deign to tell anyone how to raise their kid or what is best for them.

    I was a mother who nursed and I swear I hid in the closet because the lunatic mothers who were poster Moms for "Bare it all" scared me. I could be nursing in a private corner with my child under a blanket [my preferred way b/c heck no one needs to see] and they would walk over and remove the blanket and tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed. I wasn't. Now get your hands off of my daughter's blanket and back the freak up.

    Same with pets - although I don't run into lunatics there. We only come across the people that question us on our choice of a 15 lb dog and her "brother" who is 120 lbs. Why on earth would we ever do that? I don't know d.a. - because we LIKE their breeds? Sigh. Ignore them - your puppy is in great hands. And a really cool playpen. heehee

  5. personally raising my son has been easy and as for laundry getting done i swear i do it they just mate at night and multiple to make it look like i didn't..hehe

    oh and i entered your contest even gave you a link to my tweet about it.

  6. Sandy - GAH, that is EXACTLY the kind of crap I'm talking about. My dog seems to be in no way unhappy with his collar, and there's no way of knowing whether a giant strap around his chest would be any more comfortable, so why do people get their panties in a twist over this stuff? Grrr.

    Skippy - oh snap, I would have killed any lady who exposed my lady stuff without my permission.

    Becca - thanks, ma'am!

  7. I have been a random blog stalker of yours for awhile (you are a blogfriend of a friend) but I finally have to comment on this one because you are so entirely right about all of it -- parenting and pets.

    I have a gigantic chocolate lab and I use a choke chain on him because he outpowers me and has the world's thickest neck. It doesn't hurt him at all (I swear, he can't feel a normal collar whatsoever) but we still get dirty looks when we are out with that collar on.

  8. I have three children. Two of them are under the age of 8. Yeah, I'm a smug jerk. Sometimes I feel like I deserve a freakin' medal just for getting out of bed in the morning.

  9. So I take it you won't be following any Mommy Blogs any time soon?

  10. Checking out your prize.... NOW! (I've sadly been neglecting my blogging lately due to a dirty rotten time-sucking new job!) No worries, I'm back... sort of ( :

    P.s. I blog-awarded you! Check it out!

  11. Jess - thanks for commenting! I love stalking. Now I get to stalk you back and figure out the mutual friend :) (Sorry for the creepiness of THAT sentiment)

    Julie - will do!

  12. I don't even HAVE a pet yet and I get all sorts of judgey advice for merely bringing up that I want one.

    I shudder to think of what will happen the day I actually do get my cute little Maltese. From a breeder. Because I have allergies and they are hypo-allergenic.