Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Small Lake City

Thanks to the internet, the universe just got a whoooooole lot smaller. Think of this like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, only Six Degrees of Girls Who Rant Online.

I read a blog from a girl who lives in Arizona.

A girl who lives in Murray commented on that blog, including a link to a blogger from I-don't-know-where.

A girl from California had commented on that blog, and I thought, "Hmm. Why does that name seem familiar? I suppose I better click on her name and satisfy my curiosity."

As it turns out, that girl (1) is friends with my cousin, (2) sang at our grandma's funeral, and (3) is the sister of a boy I dated once, and if all that weren't wacky enough, she also (4) recently read ANOTHER blog post from someone (awful) and wrote a response to it on her blog (awesome) and I knew immediately what she was talking about.

Because when stuff on the internet is THAT JAW DROPPING, you remember it forever, crazy wheat-and-tares lady.

So now I will ever-so-not-so-creepily read her blog, too, because the universe is wacky like that, folks. Except I'm fairly sure that if I ran into her in real life, I would not be confident enough that it was really her to go say hi, and she would probably not know who I am.

Technology. You bind us closer together and emphasize our social oddities all at the same time.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Because this is just how life goes sometimes

Some weeks, everything goes wrong. This was one of those weeks.

Aside from a flooded basement, a malfunctioning vacuum, a tragically struggling strawberry patch, some work disasters, and some writing disappointments, there is something that smells horrible on the white rug in my living room.

Hannah, Diego and I cannot figure it out. Much scrubbing and Febreezing has occurred, to no avail. (Oddly enough, the dogs don't seem bothered by it, but then again, dogs love rolling around in dead things, so there's that.)

The carpet cleaning guy came out on Monday and told me if the smell wasn't gone in three days, he'd come back. He's coming back tomorrow.

Yesterday I had a root canal. After a childhood of zero cavities, my adult mouth has suddenly betrayed me. At 21 I had two cavities. At 26, those fillings broke and had to be replaced. At 28, it's apparently root canal time.

I was pretty nervous about the whole situation, having witnessed a root canal in high school as a part of shadowing assignment (blood! smoke! pulverized tooth dust! burning smell!), so my dentist called in a prescription for a single dose of Valium.

(Also, can I just say, the reason why we have a problem with prescription drug addiction in this country is that when a dentist calls in a prescription for a single dose of Valium, the pharmacy gives you 5. Lortab? 20. I wish I'd had my wits together enough to ask for Vicodin instead, since Lortab makes me throw up, but there you have it. I have 20 unusable Lortabs in my house now, so please don't rob me, drug addicts.)

For anyone who has never taken Valium, the idea that it is going to make you blissed out and calm is bunk. As I was driving to the dentist office, having taken my single dose of Valium, all I could think was, "I feel stupid. But I'm still smart enough to know that I am stupider than I should be. Is it weird that I can tell that my reflexes are seriously slower than normal, but I can't force myself to fix that situation? Sorry other drivers!

And also, I am still terrified at the prospect of someone drilling into my face, so Valium is a lose-lose situation."

On the upside, the dentist (apparently scared that I would attempt to bite his hand) gave me some nitrous oxide as well. And can I just say, I don't know if laughing gas is supposed to actually make you laugh, but it did make me fall asleep for an hour while someone chiseled into my nerve, so go team nitrous oxide.

After the root canal, I sat on the couch at home and attempted to eat some ice cream with the half of my mouth that was still functioning, and obsessed over the weird carpet smell.

I lit candles. I turned off the air conditioning. I opened windows and doors in an attempt to air out the room.


I have to say, you know a smell is bad when it's less pleasant than recovering from a root canal.

I suspect that there's a weird metaphor for my life in there somewhere, but at the moment I feel too stupid to figure out what it is.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Get on that, gun manufacturers

I have never really had the desire to carry a gun. I can recall maybe 2-3 times in my adult life where I've thought, "Ruh roh, self, we probably shouldn't be in this part of town/part of the world. Stick your hand in your purse and pretend you might have a gun. Yes, surely that will scare off would-be murderers ..."

But so far, no actual desire to possess a gun.

Until I was watching some Shark Week reruns on Netflix, and I realized if I could swim with a gun, I totally would.

(And yes, I know they won't fire under water. But still, I think this is an untapped market.)

Friday, July 20, 2012

A hobo spit in my mouth!

This kind of sums up my feelings about New York.

I went to two shows while I was in New York -- Avenue Q and The Book of Mormon. They were both awesome and then I had a great time hanging with friends, eating delicious food (but not Mexican food, because they don't do that right over there), and taking in the sights.

Culture! Art! Sports! Etc.!

And then, while I rode the Long Island Railroad back to my hotel at midnight on my last night, I had to pee. I held it for literally as long as I could, but we were still a half hour from my stop so I decided to seek out the restroom.

While I waited outside that restroom, my bladder nearly exploding, a man threw up ALL OVER EVERYTHING. I am talking toilet, floor, walls. He would have splattered the ceiling if he could have -- and might have, in fact, I didn't bother looking.

He exited that restroom with a full cup of beer in hand (because you can drink on the Long Island Railroad) and then stumbled back to his seat.

The best part of this story -- better than the full cup of beer, in fact -- is that when I opened the door and gasped at the sight of vomit, he turned to me and GLARED at me.

That, friends, is why whenever someone tries to tell you how awesome New York is, you just tell them to shove it.

Because we have art and culture in lots of places that don't smell like pee when you leave the theater, where Mexican food tastes like Mexican food, where people clean up their own sick, and don't scream, "Thanks for running into me--NOT!" when your purse bumps their purse on the way into a McDonalds.

Honestly, New York, I thought your burns would be more impressive.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to get tickets to Book of Mormon musical

On my recent vacation, I had one goal (other than making it to Destination Wedding, naturally): go see Book of Mormon on Broadway.

Book of Mormon is sold out for the foreseeable future, so there are only a few options to see it. One, find tickets on a website like Stubhub. (Expensive). Two, enter the lottery. (Bad chances). Three, sit in the standing room only line.

Guess which one I picked.

The day before I left New York, my friend Josh and I sat out on the sidewalk in front of Eugene O'Neill theater starting at 11:30 AM to get a $27 ticket at 6:00 PM. We brought Kindles and iPods and periodically took turns going to the coffee shop around the corner to enjoy cushioned seats and air conditioning. We called a local Thai restaurant and they delivered lunch to us right there on the sidewalk.

In the end, it was totally worth it. So if you'd like to try it sometime, this is what I recommend.

1. We lined up on a Tuesday and were the second and third people in line when we showed up at 11:30 AM. But no one else showed up until around 2:00 PM and it was a steady trickle after that. If you're planning to try for standing room only tickets and it's a weekday or the weather is predicted to be bad, I would suspect you don't need to come as early as we did. But honestly? It was kind of fun, if a little smelly.

2. Bring lawn chairs. The people who showed up around 3:00 PM did that and I was insanely jealous. The theater was fine with it, they just checked the chairs at the coat check.

 By the by, the show was amazing. My favorite random detail? The Salt Lake City temple set included a Crown Burger sign. (Josh and I died, it was so perfect.)  My favorite moment? When I got slightly misty-eyed during "Tomorrow is a Latter Day." (Don't judge me, it was sweet.)

So good luck friends, and if you go, let me know if the lyrics to "Sal Tlay Ka Siti" (say it out loud) made you want to make your own hometown a better place where goat meat is plentiful and everyone is open-minded.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hookers and Hangers Blogfest: Part 2

The gals at Falling for Fiction are hosting a blog hop where people post the first sentences from five chapters and the last sentences from five chapters.

Last sentences (keep in mind this is a work in progress):

"....And speaking of changing the subject, did you put on any sunblock this morning?"

The speech bubble says, "And to think, I got my start at Victoria's Secret!"

I wander down to the vending machines, searching for some sugar to keep me going for another of hour of studying.  

Assuming there is no curve, I have just received my first C.

".... You don’t like me and you haven’t bothered hiding it at all, so excuse me if I don’t really believe that you’ll be reasonable about sharing our space when you’ve been dominating it for the last month!”   

PS - This blogfest has made me realize that I end a lot of chapters with dialogue. I should probably shake that up.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hookers and Hangers Blogfest: Part 1

(Hey now, let's pretend this was really posted on the right day, shall we? Curse you, blogger and destinations weddings! Only not really, because that wedding was awesome.)
The gals at Falling for Fiction are hosting a blog hop where people post the first sentences from five chapters and the last sentences from five chapters.

First sentences (keep in mind this is a work in progress):

Crying alone in a bathroom with no toilet paper is not how I imagined starting college.

On Monday morning, I wake up at 7:00 AM, right on schedule, but for one minute I stare at the ceiling and think about what it would be like to skip it.

Lulu watches me get ready for church with a quizzical look on her face.

Since we both have to watch Sense and Sensibility before class on Monday and neither one of us has plans on Friday night--me because I'm a social pariah, Charlie presumably because the universe is a strange and random place even for the handsome and charming--we agree to watch the copy I got from the library in Charlie's room after dinner.

"Be careful not to spill that on yourself, it causes cancer," Weronicka says over her shoulder as she leaves the back room.