Welp. I guess this is a thing that happens now.

My friend Lulu and I went to a movie this weekend. (No, I'm not going to say which one. Not relevant.)*

The main character came on the screen and I thought, "Huh, he's kind of got a weird face."

And then a few seconds later, I thought, "No. That dude is stupid hot."

A scene after that, I leaned over to Lulu. "Is that guy strangely attractive, or is it just me?"

"Not just you," she whispered back. "He's really hot. Like ... really hot."

For the rest of the movie, we whispered back and forth about the fine attributes of this gentleman. His hair. His shoulders. Forearms. Biceps. Jawline. Profile. DUDE HAD A HOT NECK, for crying out loud.

At one point he had to change his shirt, and I swear we both held our breaths.

After the movie was over, I IMDB'd it, as I am wont to do. I clicked on the name of the actor, since I'd never heard of him before. And then gasped.

"Dude!"

"What?"

"The hot guy is 51 years old!"

"WHAT?! No..."

"Yes. Seriously. Fifty-one."

And that was when I realized it.

I** was officially old.






* (Moderately shameful.)

** I am saying "I" here because I am not willing to make this statement for Lulu.

But seriously. There is nothing that really hammers the "YOU'RE THIRTY, DUMMY!" message home like realizing you're apparently attracted to 51 year olds.

V is for very disturbed

Remember Bondage Barbie?

He's now emailed Hannah, asking to clean our house.

For the record, yes, there are pictures of me with Hannah on Hannah's profile, and Hannah with me on mine. (Rule for life: Never date someone who doesn't have group pictures of them and their friends. Never date someone who has an ab pic online.)

How wrong would it be ...?

(I know, I know. Pretty wrong.)

(But it is spring cleaning season ...)

P is for prudish

I received an email from a guy on a dating website. (This is how my best stories start, and this one is the best of the best.)

He's a cross-dresser who wants to experiment with submissive/dominant role playing and wanted to know if I would be open to having him come over and clean my house while I yelled at him. "Nothing sexual," he insisted. "Just light degradation."

Not going to lie.  I considered it.

Realistically, given that Hannah and Diego enthusiastically offered to join in on the bossiness ("Scrub that sink! SCRUB IT!"), he could have gotten a lot out of the experience. And I would have gotten some sparkling floorboards.

Instead I just decided that the universe is telling me I am definitely not going to find love (or anything vaguely approximating love) online.

I've suspected this might be the case for some time now, but Bondage Barbie (hometown: Provo, Utah) just made it official.

the fabulous world of online dating

Tell me if any variation of the following sounds familiar:

I like to stay in shape and have a lot of respect for people that also have the discipline to make that a priority in their lives.

Because I see it constantly on guys' profiles out in online dating world. 

Tell me if you think it would be ok for me to write the following:

"I like to make a lot of money and I have a lot of respect for people that also have the discipline to make the dolla-dolla bills a priority in their lives." 

Probably not, am I right?

Gentlemen, just a few thoughts.


1. If you want to write "No fatties," just write "no fatties."  You're not sounding less shallow because you fancied it up; in fact, you kind of sound worse.  Refer to Point 2 for an explanation.

2. A "priority"?  Seriously, a priority?  When I think of my "priorities," they include family, friends, Spence, my job, keeping up my house, saving money, reading, writing, traveling, volunteer work, cultural experiences ... the list goes on.  Nowhere on that list will you find GOING TO THE GYM.  But neither will you find NAPPING or WASHING MY HAIR or IRONING or OIL CHANGES.  Why?  

Because those things aren't priorities for anyone normal--they are things you just do.  If you're confused about this, please google the word "priority."  Or go watch Keeping the Faith and focus on the scene where Ben Stiller and Edward Norton explain that "jogging is not a skill."


I could go on and on about other funny things I've seen on profiles (like the guy with immaculately sculpted facial hair who declared he was looking for a woman who was "exceptionally intelligent and physically stunning" -- enough said), but I should probably work on this "NaNoWriMo" thing I signed up for.


Because I start a lot of projects and I have a lot of respect for people who have the discipline to make starting projects a priority in their lives.

Am I a double oven kind of girl?

For various reasons we will not discuss now, I am in the market for large appliances.

I have to tell you, as someone who likes to shop, I totally understand the happy-blissy feeling that accompanies the purchase of new shoes or an extra soft cardigan.  But people -- French door refrigerators?  So much better than that.  Oh, French-door refrigerator ... I would crawl up inside you and take a nap if that episode of Punky Brewster hadn't taught me not to.

But not everything is as simple as the feelings of lust 27 cubic feet of refrigerated goodness can inspire in me.  No, other things are like, "Did you even know that dishwashers could be portable?  What is the advantage of a portable dishwasher, do you think?  And what's this--a TWO-DRAWER dishwasher?  That would solve my suspicion that the top rack of dishes are not getting quite as clean as the bottom rack." 

"Compactor?  I think I want a compactor, if only so I can have another sleek black-and-stainless-steel shiny thing.  A matched set!  But whatever would I compress?  And won't that just make the trash super heavy on trash day?"

"Why is this gas cooktop so much more expensive than this other, substantially similar gas cooktop?  And why do I feel compelled to believe that the more expensive appliance is the better appliance?"

And, "If I was going to be raised in a community that hit me over the head with gender roles at every corner, why did no one ever tell me whether it's better to have a range or a double oven?  I could bake so many cookies!  And yet lose so much cabinet space!" 

It gets worse when you move into laundry appliances.  "I really want this front-load washer, partly because I heard it gets laundry cleaner, but mostly because it looks AWESOME.  But why is the front-load dryer that costs the same as this washer so much bigger?  Is it better to have a bigger dryer than your washer?  Won't that look funny?  I can't imagine wanting to dry a sleeping bag or small sheep.  And what is the advantage of the gas dryer versus the electric dryer?  And when did that become a difference?  Why have I lived on this earth for 27 years and never been informed of this distinction?"

Also -- does anyone else find it sort of odd that we call washer and dryers "washers and dryers"?  Maybe it's just that I've said the words "washers and dryers" about four thousand times this week, but it's a little caveman to be calling a noun after the verb for which you use it.  No, these aren't my sneakers -- they're my "walkers."  This isn't a keyboard, it's a "typer."  No?

Paint chips are so much easier.

Misleading ads

For anyone tempted to go see Prince of Persia ... you should know, there isn't nearly as much shirtless Jake Gyllenhall as the commercials may have led you to believe.