Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The new social contract

In general, I feel like everyone should stop whining -- even though that would significantly decrease the amount of things I have to talk about.  But since the cessation of whining is probably unrealistic, I have a step-down proposal.  It's kind of like Nicorette gum.  

1. Stop whining about being judged for having a social advantage.  

Notice that this rule has two elements--mere whining about a social advantage (My hair is so thick and lustrous, it takes 40 minutes to dry!), while annoying, is still allowed for now. (That's step 2.)  It's when you take it one step further (I'm so tired of people being intimidated by my thick and lustrous hair!) that you have crossed the step 1 line.

Other examples of behavior that violates this rule:

A) If only I had a disability I could get into law school.  (Implication that you are negatively assessed for being an able-bodied individual.)

B) When is heterosexual awareness day?  (Implication that because you are straight, you are negatively impacted on the one week a year the gays get to throw a parade.)

C) People used to bully me for being so skinny.  (You know, I don't believe you, and no one else does, either.  But let's assume that kids did bully you--you're no longer a kid.  You must accept that even if you dislike your skinniness, it is a social advantage as an adult that overweight people or even average people do not have.  I don't want to hear about how many protein shakes you have to drink to bulk up--I'm not sympathetic, and no one else is, either.)

D) Wealthy people bear the bulk of the tax base, you know.  (So what?  You're wealthy.  Don't try to act for one second like you would trade your assets and tax rate for a school teacher's paycheck because you wouldn't.  Being wealthy is awesome so stop complaining.)

E) Cops pull people in nice cars over at a higher rate, you know.  (One, totally not true.  Two, even if it were true, you still chose to buy the nice car, and therefore it must not be that big of a burden.  You want people to be sympathetic to your minorly burdened purchase of an Escalade?) 

Is everyone clear on what sort of behavior violates step 1?  Exellent.  Moving along to step 2.

2. Stop whining about having a social advantage.

We are now upping the ante on our anti-whining campaign.  Examples of behavior that would violate this rule:

A) It's so hard finding size-zero jeans/shirts that cover my huge ta-tas.

B) I just hate being so tall, looking down on everyone all the time. 

C) I'm so tiny and adorable that people don't take me seriously.  (Yeah, at the liquor store.  You're tiny and adorable the rest of the time too, so shut your face.)

D) You know, it's hard being this pretty.  (No, it isn't.  Please shut up.)

E) Because I'm naturally thin to begin with, it's much harder for me to lose five pounds than it is for an overweight person to lose five pounds.  (Drop a dumbbell on your foot, please.)

There are a few, very minor, situational exceptions for this rule.  The tall may complain on airplanes, since everyone is uncomfortable on an airplane in a different way.  A tiny, adorable woman can complain about her vacation to Saudi Arabia.  But that's it, people.

Feel free to add some step 1 or step 2 suggestions in the comments, people, but please--if you're going to complain about how hard it is to be white/male/straight/good-looking/wealthy/skinny/or healthy, just internalize, please.


  1. Can we also add the other side of it? Like, don't bash people for these same things as long as they're not whining? I am petite (you know this). People say, "Oh, I hate you; you're so tiny" - well thanks, but at least me get in an awfully offensive remark before you HATE me. Or people get snotty when I say I want to go to the gym. Hello. . .CARDIOVASCULAR HEALTH?!?! And I know I've said this before, but I hate when people say, "oh, you can't eat wheat? No wonder you're so little." Well, I wasn't an obsese mess when I ate wheat, so I'm pretty sure that's not the only factor. But if it makes you feel better, eat your gluten and shut the eff up.

  2. I feel pretty awesome about whining on your no-whining post, by the way. ;) You can personally chastize me later.

  3. Hahaha, you would.

    Well, according to the rules, for the blessing of having a tiny ass, you have to put up with comments regarding your tiny ass. Annoying they may be, but certainly not so bad that it outweighs the benefits. (And believe me, I feel your pain -- while the comments are fewer, people do comment on my awesome boobs. ;) But hey, I have awesome boobs, so that's ok.)

    But we will certainly add gluten-intolerance intolerance to the list. Because it fits the criteria, and because it is real fun to say. :)

  4. I totally agree!
    And I wanted to say thank you for commenting on MY blog!