Friday, February 11, 2011

The breaking point

Dear Lady Gaga,

I love your music.  I seriously do.  One of my greater regrets in life is that when you only had "Just Dance" playing on the radio, my friends and I decided to skip you opening for New Kids on the Block and get dinner because we were hungry.

But here's the thing.

You have got to be the most annoying human being on the planet.  Wearing a dress of meat?  That offends me and I'm not even a vegetarian.  Then claiming it has to do with civil liberties?  OK, fine.  I'm wearing Banana Republic today in honor of the victims of dictatorships in Central America. 

I guess I could get past the outfits, though, if it weren't so abundantly clear that you're more arrogant than the Sarah Palin and Dina Lohan combined.  Lady (may I call you Lady?), you're just a pop star.  I find "Bad Romance" and "Your Love is My Drug" equally enjoyable, but you don't see Ke$ha running around like she's the messiah of both music and humanity.  Sure, Ke$ha's angle is, "Hey, I'm rich white trash!" and yours is, "I'm cooler than Madonna and basically the lady Martin Luther King, Jr.!" so there was bound to be a disconnect there.

But by-and-large, I should find Ke$ha more annoying, and I do not.  Ke$ha knows that she is just an autotuned semi-talent, but she's getting hers while the getting's good.  Her message to the world?  I don't want to be a douchebag.  Lady Gaga, you could learn a lot from young Ke$ha here.

You've only produced two albums, and while I imagine your concerts are incredible, maybe get off the "artist" high horse.  Leonardo di'Vinci is up on his angel cloud somewhere, shaking his head and saying, "Bitch, please."  And while everyone loves a nice dose of feel-goodery, you have done nothing to actually advance gay rights for anybody. 

The only thing edgy about you at this point are your hats, because frankly the weird outfits and weird music videos stopped seeming "weird" to me a long time ago.  "Oh look, Lady Gaga is dressed like Joseph Stalin and conducting a chorus of zombies singing 'Amazing Grace' while using a feral cat as a baton!  And she just took a crap in the middle of Tiffanys on Fifth Avenue!"


I'm sorry, but your personality has officially made it impossible for me to enjoy your music.  Please go sit over by similarly situated celebrities, Tom Cruise and Lindsay Lohan.




  1. That was complete and total awesomeness.
    I don't know how much better things could get with the image of Da Vinci sitting up in heaven saying "bitch, please."

  2. I'd also like to point out, you got me thinking. I can't think of a single "artist" who has changed the world. I mean, even Da Vinci was more revolutionary because he was an inventor and scientist. It was more the digging up the dead bodies, flying machines, and architectural engineering marvels that really made him a revolutionary. Sure, some of them changed "the art world." The closest two I could think of were Dante and Shakespeare. And they were more writers I suppose they could be considered "artists" and they changed the world in more of a "setting standards" kind of way, than creating massive social reform kind of way. And I'm pretty sure they are sitting next to Da Vinci saying "bitch, please."

  3. Alex - maybe "changed the world" is too big a standard. Uncle Tom's Cabin influenced the abolitionist movement, Silent Spring the environmental movement. The Crucible satirized McCarthyism. Beethoven and Mozart obviously revolutionized music. There are certainly "revolutionary" bands, books, movies, TV shows, comics, etc. Pieces of art that inspire both individuals and large groups of people.

    I just think it's a bit much to say, "My art is changing the world" as opposed to, "My art is doing its thing." I'm not saying artists can't be pompous - most of them are - but it's better to have a hell of a lot of talent to back it up with. Lady Gaga's good, but she's no better than Britney Spears.

    (Semi-tangent: This is also why a friend once joked that Modern Family will legalize gay marriage. When your focus is on making realistic, funny characters, people respond positively. When you're just making speeches - Lady Gaga, Glee - you're just annoying the bajeebers out of everyone.)

  4. I know what you mean - eventually it just stops having any effect. Well put!