Monday, July 25, 2011

A slacker's guide to a housewarming party

So you've realized you're having people over in six hours, have you?

And you've realized you have no idea what you're doing?

Follow these simple steps.

1. Google "easy recipes" and find a bunch of recipes posted by smug jerks that are in no way actually easy.  Then hopefully you find this blog where I just go ahead and tell you the easiest of easy slacker BBQ menus:*

Gourmet hotdogs - hotdogs, buns, regular fixings, and then the "gourmet" part --coleslaw with BBQ sauce, mango salsa and teriyaki, chilli and crushed Fritos with cheese.

Step one: Grill hotdogs.
Step two: Assign someone else to artfully arrange fixings on the table.

Grilled pineapple - pineapple, butter, brown sugar, honey or brown sugar

Step one: Slice the pineapple into spears or rings (doesn't matter), put them in a Ziploc with 3 tablespoons of melted butter, a little honey, and a dash of Cholula or Tobasco.  (Some people also like brown sugar -- it's impossible to go wrong.)
Step two: Let marinate in the bag for an hour or so.  (If you weren't a slacker --  but you are -- three hours would have been a good choice.)
Step three: Grill.

Pulled pork sandwiches - pulled pork, bread

Step one: Go to Costco, buy a tub of Kirkland brand pulled pork.  If there's some Famous Daves BBQ sauce available, get that too.
Step two: Go to wherever you buy bread.  Buy buns.
Step three: Dump pork and BBQ sauce in a container.  (Crockpot works, if you like it warm.)
Step four: Assign someone else to artfully arrange fixings on the table.

Corn and black bean salad - this one will sound complicated.  It isn't.

Step one: Put 2 drained cans of corn, 2 drained cans of black beans, juice from 2 limes, diced avocado and red onion, and grated cheese (pepperjack or sharp cheddar) in a bowl.  Throw in some mango salsa and minced garlic if you're into that kind of thing.
Step two: Refrigerate, if you have time.  It tastes better when all the flavors have had a chance to get down with their bad selves. But since you don't have time, just know that everyone's going to be really impressed that you didn't do a bagged salad, so WELL DONE.

Appies - this is the easiest one of all.

Call your sister and friends.  Pressure them into bringing food, although you had told them earlier in the week that would not be necessary since you had such lofty goals.

Voila!  You now have Hannah's homemade guacamole, Kate and Ryan's famous meat-and-cheese tray,  donuts from that one place Echo really enjoys, and cupcakes from Sadie.

2. Leave work early.  You're not a real slacker until you've shirked some duty.

3. Go home, get your puppy.  You're a slacker, you're not heartless and he's been alone all day.

4. Do not let earlier Gchat conversation with friend Manuel dissuade you from attempting to assemble a grill and propane tank mere hours before your barbeque.  If the Battle of Waterloo was really won on the playing fields of Eton, all your future success will come down to your ability to put this grill together -- or find someone who can -- so MAKE IT HAPPEN.

5. Go to Unnamed Retail Outlet.  Thank the Unnamed Retail Outlet corporate gods they allow dogs in their store.  Pick which ever cheapest/nicest grill looks like it will fit in the backseat of a Yaris.**

5. Go to Costco. No, they don't allow puppies either, but fortunately you have a puppy that fits in a purse.  Buy the pulled pork.

7. Cable puppy in the yard.  Damn grocery stores!

8. Go to grocery store.  Buy everything described above.  Then do that stuff.

9. Call roommate. Have him stop at the liquor store on the way home from work. All non-Mormon, non-pregnant, and non-former alcoholic guests will get so smashed they'll think your party is FABULOUS. All the Mormons and prego ladies will be too polite to contradict them. The former alcoholics are usually grumpy anyway and there's nothing you can do about that.  

10. Make plans to go to the pool the next day, because you deserve it.

Still stressed out?

Here's a cute picture of someone trying to put aviators on Spence.

Awwww, little fella.

* Of course, the point is you don't want people to KNOW you're a slacker, hence the "just slightly more effort than minimal" required by these recipes.

** This is assuming, of course, that you don't run into the problem that I had at Unnamed Retailer - namely, that an employee would refuse to sell a grill on the basis that you don't have a large enough car.  Despite all my arguments, measurements, anecdotes about fitting a 42-inch TV in my backseat, offers to use multiple bungee cords, the employee refused to help me carry the grill to my car.

And have you seen my weak arms?  I can barely carry Spencer by myself.  So in my case, replace grilled pineapple with fruit salad, forget the hotdogs, buy double the pulled pork.

(All in all, it was a pretty solid party.)


  1. I love #9.
    And I really like to eat grilled pineapple, but I must admit that I've always been too impatient to fancy it up, I just get it sliced and on the barbecue. Mmmmmm.

  2. Wow--I'm totally making you plan my next housewarming party. :) Cuddles for Spence!

    My word verification is comimour--doesn't that mean, like, food in Spanish?

  3. LOL! this is awesome and exactly how I'd do it! Good job--esp the liquor/calling in the friends to bring shtuff part~ :D <3

  4. You throw my kind of party. Although the putting together of a grill was a wee bit ambitious even for us. heehee

  5. Hahahaha ( : This makes me laugh!! I'll have to print this out for my next slacker house warming party

  6. Alex - thanks man. I say it 'cause it's true.

    Robin - dude, I'm here for you. And if that's not Spanish, it's dang close.

    LTM - that's how I roll. Thanks for commenting :)

    Skippy - yeah, it did foil me in the end.

    Julie - spread it far and wide. I would love to be a slacker resource.