Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I can only assume Edward's shoes are as sculpted and angelic as he is

A minor rant:

Bella (Kristen Stewart) looks down constantly in the Twilight movies.

Every. Single. Scene.

If the girl isn't busy mumbling, she's looking at her shoes. Or Edward's belt. Or a fascinating cluster of pebbles on the ground.

For the record, I don't have a particular problem with Kristen Stewart or the movies.  I actually think there's a hilarious campiness quality to the final Twilight book.  (Blackout sex! Vampire babies! Incisor c-sections! Man-on-newborn love! Magic powers! A climax where an American revolutionary-era vampire lectures an evil European vampire about individual liberty! Total fake out on the final battle! More blackout sex!)  In essence, you need to read it as if Leslie Nielsen is playing Edward and Anna Faris is playing Bella.

In fact, you kind of just have to re-imagine the entire cast.

I'm pregnant with a WHAT?!

Esme: Yup, you've caught a case of the vampire babies.
I'll do whatever it takes to protect you, Bella!   

Rosalie: My last chance to be a mommy! GIMME BABY NOW!  Alice: Things are getting awkward. Come to think of it, I need to go to Brazil for the rest of this novel...
Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle: GROSSEST! DELIVERY! EVER!

If a teenage boy in love with a newborn is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
And so forth.

The issue is really just that I have certain OCD-esque qualities, and once I notice something that bugs me I can't stop noticing.

Entertainment Weekly posted a video of Bella and Edward's honeymoon scene. Edward is looking lustily (or constipatedly) at Bella.  Where is Bella looking?  THE DAMN SHEETS.

I would suggest a drinking game for the imbibers where you take a sip every time Bella's gaze drops below the horizon level, but I'm fairly sure you'd get alcohol poisoning before the final credits rolled.

Whatchu lookin' at, Bella?

No, seriously. What the eff are you looking at?


  1. OMG! I almost peed my pants. Really! This would be the BEST cast ever!! I think it's Kristen's way of looking awkward. But, she does it all the time.

  2. Brilliant. I've never seen a Twilight movie or read the books, so now if I ever do, this is all I will be able to think of. And I love me a campy movie.

  3. Hahaha! I especially love your ending note with Jacob :D

  4. Bwahaha I love it.
    I'm so tempted to watch the Twilight movies out of morbid curiosity. I've only seen the 1st one.

  5. *LMAO* Fabulous! Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Oh god, I wish I had read Twilight the way you suggested. It would have made the experience much more enjoyavle, but that bridge is crossed and burned! I am not going back there!

    This post is hilarious. Love it!

  7. BWAAHAHAHAAHAAAAA! I tried the every-time-she-shakes-her-head-and-blinks-really-fast drinking game, but, oy, I can't drink that fast. You might as well just fit yourself with a funnel and a feeding tube.

  8. The only way you'd get me to watch Twilight would be with alcohol, and I can't even drink.

  9. I think everything about Edward is pretty scuplted and angelic... even his shoes. But I don't give Stefanie Meyer any credit for him. I thought the books were just "this far" below the worst thing I ever read.

  10. Bahahahahaha this makes Twilight so much more enjoyable. Those books are some of the worst I've ever read, but thanks to this post, I can giggle at them now. Thanks, Ru! I needed a laugh today. :D

  11. You seriously have me laughing so hard! I NEED to see breaking dawn done with your cast, lol!


    This is pretty much the best summary of Twilight I have ever read.

    But, in Kristin Stewart's defense, it feels like Bella is constantly staring at her shoes through the whole freakin' series, so she was just playing the character as written.

    But it would be so much more fun with Anna Faris!

  13. That was so Fraggle Rock hilarious. All I could picture was Kristen moving her lips in a mumble, her eyes downcast at only she could possibly know what and the "I got gas for you, baby" look of desire that sort of seeps onto Edward's face.

    I'm so done you could stick a fork in me.

    This was awesome.

  14. Oh wow, this is too funny. It is SO CAMPY!

  15. So frickin' funny! I haven't seen these movies and this definitely doesn't help make me want to ;)

  16. Blackout sex! Man on newborn love! Where did you get this from? Where did Stephenie Meyers get this from? I dont drink, but that sounds like a totally awesome way of getting through it.