Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Confession time

Who pooped the bed?

Usually when I walk Spence--90% of the time, really--I come prepared with a plastic bag in hand and clean up any little messes he leaves along the way.  But roughly 10% of the time, Spence pulls what I like to call a "mystery poop."  Maybe he poops once on the walk, I clean it up, and then I find myself without another bag when he decides to go for number 2 Number 2. 

Once he pooped amidst all the goose poop at the park -- and that time we just slyly walked away, as if a goose could make a poop of that size. 

And this morning, when he begged to be let out at 5 am for what I presumed to be some tinkling time, he dropped a deuce on the corner of a neighbors lawn.  And hell no, I did not run back inside for a bag that time.  No, I went back to bed like a normal person.

I know this makes me an inconsiderate person, but since I figure other neighbor dogs poop on my lawn, it's kind of just the circle of life.

I ate a Three Musketeers bar for lunch and this bra is held together by tape. 

I got eyelash extensions a month ago.  Since then, I have done my makeup exactly TWICE because I figure, "Hey, my eyelashes look crazy awesome! Why would I do anything more?"  So even though eyelash extensions are really expensive (and let's be honest -- probably not the best idea ever) I totally got them redone last night.  In a cost-benefit analysis, $40 a month for the privilege of never doing my makeup is a solid investment.

What did Oprah do now?

Back when I was lawyerin it up in Fake Austin, a female attorney advised me to stop saying, "I feel" so much.  Perhaps you've already noticed this (I had not) -- women and girls tend to make statements of fact by prefacing them with, "I think" or "I feel."  I think that Alaska is bigger than Texas.  I feel like the rule against perpetuities does not apply here.  I think the first southern victory in the Civil War was South Carolina.  I feel like this song is Depeche Mode.

All of these things are actually facts and I know them, but whether it's social conditioning or what, women and girls throw in a "maybe it's just me" clarifier far more often than men and boys.  Odd fact -- we read a study in law school that discussed how the wills of females are more often thrown out in court than the wills of males, simply because women use softer and therefore more ambiguous terms (I would like it if my son received my car) and men just express their wishes (My son shall receive my car.)

So ladies, stop saying "I feel" and "I think" if in fact "you know."

And I give you this advice, knowing full well that when I catch myself in an "I feel" statement, rather than backtracking, I manage to say, "I feel" about ten thousand more times.  It's like saying like.  I just can't stop.  I FEEL LIKE THE STAFF MEETING AT 10 HAS BEEN CANCELED, Y'ALL.

Bonus points to anyone who tells me where those quotes in bold are from.  (I feel like that last sentence was grammatically incorrect.)


  1. Oh my, I thought only my husband called it a deuce. Which I have told him, he has to stop because it is so gross. LOL. So for the next couple of days, I'm going to start listening to myself to figure out if I say, "I think, and I feel"

  2. I just read Beauty Queens by Libba Bray, and they talk about how girls are always apologizing for expressing themselves. It's so true, just like how we say, I think and I feel. Seriously, we all need to stop. But how did we start in the first place???

  3. I should have said each one was from a different show, but Andrew and Becca, you are correct!

    1. ____________?

    2. 30 Rock

    3. ____________?

    Anyone else care to fill in the other blanks?

  4. Since I have two lovely dogs of my own, I SO get your dog posts. :) I also can't live without my eyelash extensions. I got them last summer for the sole purpose of going on a summer beach vacation. I thought it would be nice to go without mascara as I have natural eyelashes that require a microscope to see. I now think I must have them.

  5. I wish I had as much trivial knowledge as you.

  6. Yeah, people already claim I present all of my opinions as fact, so I don't think I should present facts as facts too.

    And in all honesty, I have no idea why people say that. If I am making a statement which cannot be determined by hard-evidence, then it is obviously my opinion.

  7. First one is Always Sunny. Second, as previously stated, is 30 Rock. I'm not cool enough to recognize the third.

  8. Great confessions. Totally cracked me up. And I didn't know about that 'I feel' or 'I think' thing. That's fascinating!

  9. Patty - it's a gift :)

    McKenzie - good point

    King - the third one is Modern Family. Mitchell comes home from work and Cameron is trying to teach their daughter to clap when she hears "adopt" to make it a happy word :) Good catch on It's Always Sunny.

    Melissa - thanks :)

  10. I am SO guilty of the "I think" and "I feel" statements. It's like I don't want to offend people. Offend them with facts? That's lame. Thank you for pointing it out to me!

  11. Oh this was hilarious! And I love the point about women using soft language. So sadly bangs-forehead-against-wall cliche and true.

    Great confessions :D