That's kinda wacky, amiright?
So for today's monumental post, I have only two things to say:
1. Go enter the the contest here. Are you sick of me harassing you yet? Sigh, me too. Never fear, it's almost over. And realistically, with less than 48 hours to go, your chances of winning are still SUPER GREAT.
Gift card!
50 page line edit or critique! (OK, maybe you don't want my "critiquey" help, which is A-OK. But trust me when I say, I'm much gooder at the English than this blog may at times imply, so a line edit may be what you want ...)
MYSTERY PRIZE!
You know you want them.
2. If you, like me, sometimes find yourself with hours to kill at work, go here. Rachel McClellan is posting the first 500 words from writey-aspirers for the whole of Internetland to critique, and it's grand fun.
Did I enter? I dunno ... maybe. (Shuffles feet awkwardly.)
Anyway, go read some entries and tell people what you think! Feedback is the best thing a writer can get.
(Aside from money.)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Clarity of thought
A lot of problems could be resolved on television or movies if characters were a little more succinct.
Take 28 Days Later as an example. Hey scientist guy, when confronted by animal rights activists, don't dicker around saying things like, "To cure you must first understand!"
And when they ask what the monkeys are infected with, say, "Ebola. Really, really bad ebola."
If you want to be honest, then say, "Zombieism. F'reals. I know it sounds weird guys, but seriously, you should see this grant we got."
Saying, "Rage," while technically true, will not stop anyone from freeing the monkeys.
Do you guys have any examples of characters being too honest--or not quite honest enough? (I'm thinking all those romantic comedies that begin with a really awful premise that would lead any real person to think, "You're a sociopath," but in movie land at least could have been rescued by a simple declaration of, "Hey, so I lied to you, made a bet with my friends and/or coworkers, etc. and so forth, but I really do think you're bitchin? Please don't stomp off for the duration of the second act."
Because while I love me some 28 Days Later, I have never been able to stop screaming at the scientist in the opening scene, "For the love of Christmas! Try a little persuasion, dumb ass!"
Take 28 Days Later as an example. Hey scientist guy, when confronted by animal rights activists, don't dicker around saying things like, "To cure you must first understand!"
And when they ask what the monkeys are infected with, say, "Ebola. Really, really bad ebola."
If you want to be honest, then say, "Zombieism. F'reals. I know it sounds weird guys, but seriously, you should see this grant we got."
Saying, "Rage," while technically true, will not stop anyone from freeing the monkeys.
Do you guys have any examples of characters being too honest--or not quite honest enough? (I'm thinking all those romantic comedies that begin with a really awful premise that would lead any real person to think, "You're a sociopath," but in movie land at least could have been rescued by a simple declaration of, "Hey, so I lied to you, made a bet with my friends and/or coworkers, etc. and so forth, but I really do think you're bitchin? Please don't stomp off for the duration of the second act."
Because while I love me some 28 Days Later, I have never been able to stop screaming at the scientist in the opening scene, "For the love of Christmas! Try a little persuasion, dumb ass!"
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Pet-owners: The Judgiest A-holes Around
I used to think parents were bad.
Not my parents -- just anyone who has ever bred, and specifically those who still have children under the age of 8. In general, you are all kind of smug jerks.*
At the very top of the Douche Parent Food Chain you have the neo-hippie parent. You know, the people who will tell you that crib bumpers, brie, and epidurals will sentence your kid to a lifetime of mediocrity at best, HORRIBLE DEATH at worst, and oh by the way, I lost the weight three months out because I breast fed and Mother Nature rewarded me with a tight ass AND a genius baby? Yes, those people. They're pretty horrible (and boring).
But I have found their match.
PET OWNERS.
I may be one of them now, but I have to say, you all put the anti-bumper/brie/bottle people to shame. Crate training is cruel. Not crate training is cruel. Buying from a breeder is immoral. Don't let them eat anything that has corn as an ingredient. Don't use retractable leashes. Do use retractable leashes.
Single people shouldn't have pets.
People in apartments shouldn't have pets.
People without kids shouldn't have pets. People with kids shouldn't have pets.
If you have a job where you can't take your dog to work, you should find one where you can. (I imagine showering is also probably optional at such workplaces.) In fact, if you have a career at all, you should never have been so selfish to get a job in the first place. THE DOG IS EVERYTHING.
And if you can't abide by these precepts, you should give your dog away to someone who can so the dog will not live in such miserable conditions. (Ignoring, of course, the fact shelters and rescue groups are already overflowing with pets.)
I'm not saying I disagree with all of the above (the corn one is actually pretty true), but with the strident, cray-cray tone some people use to dispense their wisdom.
Here's a bit of wisdom I think we can all live with -- you know how sometimes the line between right and wrong is really fine? This is not one of those cases.
The line between child abuse or animal abuse and not-child abuse and not-animal abuse is HUGE.
You could run out of room on all the notebooks in the world writing down all the behavior that does not constitute abuse.
And the conduct that constitutes abuse? Generally pretty clear. You can sum up that conduct in a few paragraphs -- like in state or federal criminal code.
So please, give it a rest.
For other info on my hatred of animal people, see here, here, and here.
*You know it's true, get over it. Who else but parents can make laundry sound like a monumental achievement, or worse, the failure to do laundry somehow a virtue? The reason birth rates are falling is not because people don't like kids, it's because everyone is tired of being told about how VERY HARD it is to do something people have been doing since before we discovered fire. I never saw the movie, but I believe that the moral of I Am Sam addressed this point: literally, an idiot can do it.
This is another reason why I love older people - specifically, old people who themselves had kids a few decades or more ago. Ask one of them for parenting advice, and do you know what you'll get? A smile, a shrug, and a, "Oh, it's not that hard." Ask a 29-year-old who has been a parent for like three days, and you'll get a dissertation.
OLDIES FOR THE WIN!
PS: Go enter the CONTEST. I'll be honest, my self-esteem is suffering due to the fact that no one wants my mystery prize.
Not my parents -- just anyone who has ever bred, and specifically those who still have children under the age of 8. In general, you are all kind of smug jerks.*
At the very top of the Douche Parent Food Chain you have the neo-hippie parent. You know, the people who will tell you that crib bumpers, brie, and epidurals will sentence your kid to a lifetime of mediocrity at best, HORRIBLE DEATH at worst, and oh by the way, I lost the weight three months out because I breast fed and Mother Nature rewarded me with a tight ass AND a genius baby? Yes, those people. They're pretty horrible (and boring).
But I have found their match.
PET OWNERS.
I may be one of them now, but I have to say, you all put the anti-bumper/brie/bottle people to shame. Crate training is cruel. Not crate training is cruel. Buying from a breeder is immoral. Don't let them eat anything that has corn as an ingredient. Don't use retractable leashes. Do use retractable leashes.
Single people shouldn't have pets.
People in apartments shouldn't have pets.
People without kids shouldn't have pets. People with kids shouldn't have pets.
If you have a job where you can't take your dog to work, you should find one where you can. (I imagine showering is also probably optional at such workplaces.) In fact, if you have a career at all, you should never have been so selfish to get a job in the first place. THE DOG IS EVERYTHING.
And if you can't abide by these precepts, you should give your dog away to someone who can so the dog will not live in such miserable conditions. (Ignoring, of course, the fact shelters and rescue groups are already overflowing with pets.)
I'm not saying I disagree with all of the above (the corn one is actually pretty true), but with the strident, cray-cray tone some people use to dispense their wisdom.
Here's a bit of wisdom I think we can all live with -- you know how sometimes the line between right and wrong is really fine? This is not one of those cases.
The line between child abuse or animal abuse and not-child abuse and not-animal abuse is HUGE.
You could run out of room on all the notebooks in the world writing down all the behavior that does not constitute abuse.
And the conduct that constitutes abuse? Generally pretty clear. You can sum up that conduct in a few paragraphs -- like in state or federal criminal code.
So please, give it a rest.
For other info on my hatred of animal people, see here, here, and here.
*You know it's true, get over it. Who else but parents can make laundry sound like a monumental achievement, or worse, the failure to do laundry somehow a virtue? The reason birth rates are falling is not because people don't like kids, it's because everyone is tired of being told about how VERY HARD it is to do something people have been doing since before we discovered fire. I never saw the movie, but I believe that the moral of I Am Sam addressed this point: literally, an idiot can do it.
This is another reason why I love older people - specifically, old people who themselves had kids a few decades or more ago. Ask one of them for parenting advice, and do you know what you'll get? A smile, a shrug, and a, "Oh, it's not that hard." Ask a 29-year-old who has been a parent for like three days, and you'll get a dissertation.
OLDIES FOR THE WIN!
PS: Go enter the CONTEST. I'll be honest, my self-esteem is suffering due to the fact that no one wants my mystery prize.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
MEMBRANES!
This is why I will adopt (with a slight revision)*:
Kate: So the nurse called and said I have to come in to get my cervix softened.
Me: Ewwww! What does that even mean?
Kate: I don't know!
(Time passes)
Kate: Oh, I guess it just means they put some sort of pill up in there.
Me: Well, that's not as bad as I thought. I was picturing a tiny masseuse.
Kate: Ewwww! Ha, what if I had shown up prepared for a spa day? Where are my cucumber slices, bitches?!
Me: What happens after that?
Kate: Well, if it turns out I'm "ripe" ---
Me: Ewwww!
Kate: I know!
Me: No offense, but you should go have a spa day. All this baby stuff is kind of vile.
Kate: You're telling me. Last time they told me about stripping membranes.
Both: Ewwww!
* Kate emailed me this afternoon to use the word "ripe" three times. I can't believe I forgot about it the first time I posted this. Anyway, THINK RIPE THOUGHTS, PEOPLE!
(PS - Go enter the contest below, biotches. Good deeds are nothing to sneeze at. Good deeds PLUS the opportunity to get a $25 gift card, editing help from someone with mild OCD, or a MYSTERY PRIZE? That's like philanthropic nirvana.)
Kate: So the nurse called and said I have to come in to get my cervix softened.
Me: Ewwww! What does that even mean?
Kate: I don't know!
(Time passes)
Kate: Oh, I guess it just means they put some sort of pill up in there.
Me: Well, that's not as bad as I thought. I was picturing a tiny masseuse.
Kate: Ewwww! Ha, what if I had shown up prepared for a spa day? Where are my cucumber slices, bitches?!
Me: What happens after that?
Kate: Well, if it turns out I'm "ripe" ---
Me: Ewwww!
Kate: I know!
Me: No offense, but you should go have a spa day. All this baby stuff is kind of vile.
Kate: You're telling me. Last time they told me about stripping membranes.
Both: Ewwww!
* Kate emailed me this afternoon to use the word "ripe" three times. I can't believe I forgot about it the first time I posted this. Anyway, THINK RIPE THOUGHTS, PEOPLE!
(PS - Go enter the contest below, biotches. Good deeds are nothing to sneeze at. Good deeds PLUS the opportunity to get a $25 gift card, editing help from someone with mild OCD, or a MYSTERY PRIZE? That's like philanthropic nirvana.)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A good cause and a giveaway (for reals)
In general, you won't see too many giveaways on this here blog, mostly because (a) I have no hookups whatsoever and (b) I feel oddly icky about buying followers. (But more power to you if you do have the hookups and don't have my hangups.)
But I have changed my policy for this one time only for a very special cause.
My sister Echo is working on getting donations for Sweatin for Sarah, a 5K organized to help Sarah Hays Shurtz with her medical bills. A little over a year ago, this 29-year-old marathoner and sonographer was diagnosed with cancer, and along with that came some enormous bills. Someone fighting cancer should have to worry as little as possible about money, too. Do the universe a solid and lend her a hand, folks.
Here's where you all come in. I am offering the following prizes: (1) $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble or Amazon, your choice; (2) a 50-page manuscript critique or line-edit for any aspiring writer who wants the judgment of a non-published, one-time college newspaper section editor/current lawyer (is that enough disclaimers, do you think?); and (3) a SUPER MYSTERY PRIZE, to be determined.
And there are many ways to enter this here contest of mine. You can do one or as many as you'd like.
1. Register for the Sweatin for Sarah 5K.
2. Volunteer to help with the Sweatin for Sarah 5K. (Information available on the website)
3. Donate money or prizes to the race. (Even a $1 donation will enter you in my sweet contest, though maybe don't tell me the exact amount.)
If you want to do this one, email me with the details and I'll hook you up with Echo's contact information. A prize could theoretically be anything: photographers could offer photoshoots, sculptors a giant pot, etsy people their elaborate newborn-sized headbands shaped like the Blue Australian Lizard Eating Orchid. Think outside the box, my homies!
If you finagle your employer into donating, that counts, too -- and may result in awesome brownie points for you when the company's logo gets put on the awesome 5K shirts. Mmmm, brownie points ...
4. Blog or Tweet about Sweatin for Sarah or this contest.
Then, once you've done one or all of these, leave me a comment telling me what you did (register, volunteer, donate, blog/tweet, or all of the above -- holy balls, FOUR ENTRIES FOR YOU, FRIENDO!), your contact info, and which of my three super sweet prizes you'd like to claim, should the Random Number Generator call your name.
The race is on August 27th, so you have to enter my contest by midnight, Mountain Standard Time, on August 11th. (Of course, you can still register or volunteer after that, but Echo needs to know the prize donation situation well before the day of the race.)
On your marks, get set, go!
But I have changed my policy for this one time only for a very special cause.
My sister Echo is working on getting donations for Sweatin for Sarah, a 5K organized to help Sarah Hays Shurtz with her medical bills. A little over a year ago, this 29-year-old marathoner and sonographer was diagnosed with cancer, and along with that came some enormous bills. Someone fighting cancer should have to worry as little as possible about money, too. Do the universe a solid and lend her a hand, folks.
Here's where you all come in. I am offering the following prizes: (1) $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble or Amazon, your choice; (2) a 50-page manuscript critique or line-edit for any aspiring writer who wants the judgment of a non-published, one-time college newspaper section editor/current lawyer (is that enough disclaimers, do you think?); and (3) a SUPER MYSTERY PRIZE, to be determined.
And there are many ways to enter this here contest of mine. You can do one or as many as you'd like.
1. Register for the Sweatin for Sarah 5K.
2. Volunteer to help with the Sweatin for Sarah 5K. (Information available on the website)
3. Donate money or prizes to the race. (Even a $1 donation will enter you in my sweet contest, though maybe don't tell me the exact amount.)
If you want to do this one, email me with the details and I'll hook you up with Echo's contact information. A prize could theoretically be anything: photographers could offer photoshoots, sculptors a giant pot, etsy people their elaborate newborn-sized headbands shaped like the Blue Australian Lizard Eating Orchid. Think outside the box, my homies!
If you finagle your employer into donating, that counts, too -- and may result in awesome brownie points for you when the company's logo gets put on the awesome 5K shirts. Mmmm, brownie points ...
4. Blog or Tweet about Sweatin for Sarah or this contest.
Then, once you've done one or all of these, leave me a comment telling me what you did (register, volunteer, donate, blog/tweet, or all of the above -- holy balls, FOUR ENTRIES FOR YOU, FRIENDO!), your contact info, and which of my three super sweet prizes you'd like to claim, should the Random Number Generator call your name.
The race is on August 27th, so you have to enter my contest by midnight, Mountain Standard Time, on August 11th. (Of course, you can still register or volunteer after that, but Echo needs to know the prize donation situation well before the day of the race.)
On your marks, get set, go!
Love songs
So as I was watching The Bachelorette finale the other day, I was feeling annoyed with our intrepid gal Ash.
We were supposed to be sympathetic because Bentley treated you so badly, right? Right.
And yet you let Ben get through his entire proposal before dumping him?
How bad is her self-esteem that she's like, "You know, I'm not going to marry him, but I kind of want to see where this is going."
Anywho, I was feeling annoyed, but then REO Speedwagon came on.
Everyone knows that heals all wounds.
I have a penchant for cheese. Let me rephrase. I swoon over ridiculous, over-the-top ballads sung by 80s bands. I even felt a little faint watching "Captain Jack Sparrow."
I always kind of wanted to engaged to Asia's "Heat of the Moment." Or Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight." Or Survivor's "I Can't Hold Back." (I'm a believer in options.)
If I ever have or adopt a kid, I want to welcome them home with Scorpion's "Rock You Like a Hurricane." When I die, I want Journey's "Wheel in the Sky" played at my funeral.
Don't act like it's weird, I know other people plan big moments around bitchin* songs too. My friend Lulu once said her ideal wedding would be arriving at the church in a helicopter while "Highway to the Dangerzone" played for her guests.
The fact is, some bands get it right.
What are your personal power ballads?
* "Bitchin," as a word, was basically invented to describe songs like "Take Me Home Tonight." Just so you know.
We were supposed to be sympathetic because Bentley treated you so badly, right? Right.
And yet you let Ben get through his entire proposal before dumping him?
How bad is her self-esteem that she's like, "You know, I'm not going to marry him, but I kind of want to see where this is going."
Anywho, I was feeling annoyed, but then REO Speedwagon came on.
Everyone knows that heals all wounds.
I have a penchant for cheese. Let me rephrase. I swoon over ridiculous, over-the-top ballads sung by 80s bands. I even felt a little faint watching "Captain Jack Sparrow."
I always kind of wanted to engaged to Asia's "Heat of the Moment." Or Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight." Or Survivor's "I Can't Hold Back." (I'm a believer in options.)
If I ever have or adopt a kid, I want to welcome them home with Scorpion's "Rock You Like a Hurricane." When I die, I want Journey's "Wheel in the Sky" played at my funeral.
Don't act like it's weird, I know other people plan big moments around bitchin* songs too. My friend Lulu once said her ideal wedding would be arriving at the church in a helicopter while "Highway to the Dangerzone" played for her guests.
The fact is, some bands get it right.
What are your personal power ballads?
* "Bitchin," as a word, was basically invented to describe songs like "Take Me Home Tonight." Just so you know.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Thanks friendos :)
Just two shout-outs this fine morning:
1. Thank you Karen for making me your Blog of the Week. I try to kinda-sorta stay away from the Internet on weekends so I don't someday get Gollumified by the lure of precious megapixels, so I didn't really know what was going on when I started getting email alerts on my phone that people were leaving me comments and adding, "Came over from Karen's blog!" at the end.
But it all became clear this morning, so thank you very much. Compliments are the very best thing anyone can ever give me because I'm shallow like that.
2. Robin gave me an award, wootiewoot!
The award is the Leibster Award, which spotlights up and coming bloggers who currently have less than 200 followers. The rules of the award are:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Display the award on your blog.
So in no particular order, here are my picks:
Nicole at http://nicolemariewhite.blogspot.com/
Emily at http://getbusywriting.blogspot.com/
Chandara/Elizabeth at http://chandarawrites.blogspot.com/
Gina at http://writersblog-gina.blogspot.com/
Delia at http://delia-moran.blogspot.com/
(PS? It was surprisingly difficult to sort out who did and did not have over 200 followers, so that's why there isn't a sassy explanation of each blog. I've got to get work at some point, kids. Just trust me that these ladies are all clever and fantastic and you could do worse than go over and follow them. :) )
1. Thank you Karen for making me your Blog of the Week. I try to kinda-sorta stay away from the Internet on weekends so I don't someday get Gollumified by the lure of precious megapixels, so I didn't really know what was going on when I started getting email alerts on my phone that people were leaving me comments and adding, "Came over from Karen's blog!" at the end.
But it all became clear this morning, so thank you very much. Compliments are the very best thing anyone can ever give me because I'm shallow like that.
2. Robin gave me an award, wootiewoot!
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Display the award on your blog.
So in no particular order, here are my picks:
Nicole at http://nicolemariewhite.blogspot.com/
Emily at http://getbusywriting.blogspot.com/
Chandara/Elizabeth at http://chandarawrites.blogspot.com/
Gina at http://writersblog-gina.blogspot.com/
Delia at http://delia-moran.blogspot.com/
(PS? It was surprisingly difficult to sort out who did and did not have over 200 followers, so that's why there isn't a sassy explanation of each blog. I've got to get work at some point, kids. Just trust me that these ladies are all clever and fantastic and you could do worse than go over and follow them. :) )
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