Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My Above The Law* Moment

A few weeks ago, Hannah received an email from a gent on an online dating service. 

She promptly forwarded the information to me, because some things are too good to share. 

Under the following headings, he offered these gems:

"What I'm doing with my life" - Graduated from a Top 5 law school.

"Six things I could never do without" -, prestige, and Starbucks.

"I spend a lot of time thinking about ..." - How much money I have now and how much I will have later.

"Most private thing I'm willing to admit" - See income.

A doozy, right?  And that's not all.  After declaring that he worked for the "top" law firm in New Denver, I immediately decided to discover who this fella was in real life.  So I passed his dating profile picture along to various friends around town. 

Here's something you may not know - there is no "top" law firm pretty much anywhere.  There's the Vault 100, which is a list of the 100 top firms nationwide, and yes, it's ranked from 1 to 100.  But to actually claim that whichever firm holds the number one spot is literally better than number 2? A stretch.

This goes double for a mid-size market like New Denver, which has a few regional offices for those Vault 100 firms, but certainly no headquarter offices.  What's more, there are probably 10 - 15 downtown firms that could all make a play for being King of Lawyer Mountain, plus even more specialty firms that dominate their particular area.

Long story short - claiming you work for the top firm in town is not only douchey, but really, really stupid.

Slowly firms were ticked off the list as people responded, "He doesn't work here."  (And usually added a, "But let me know if you find out where!")  A few friends -- Amelia, Sally, Alan -- were on board with my plan, and for all the firms we don't have friends at, we began scouring websites for a head shot that could resemble our mystery dater. 

In the end, though, we couldn't find him, which I suppose makes sense.  It's the internet, it's full of lies.  If a guy says he's 6 feet tall, he's 5'10".  If a girl says she's curvy, she hasn't been to the gym in years.  A "good sense of humor" means "I laugh when someone else is funny." 

And if a guy says he works at the top law firm in town, he's probably a personal assistant.

* For those of you who don't know, Above the Law is a blog that touts itself as a legal tabloid -- a place to discuss the big stories in the legal world every day, and particularly gossip about stupid lawsuits (Lady sues ex-husband over lack of sex!), lawyers (Craigslist - always a mistake, people) and law students (Oh Tulane students. Will you never learn? Answer: No.)  

Clearly, I don't have what it takes to write for them, because I couldn't track down one measly little poser. Tear ...


  1. Wow...the fakeness can be ridiculous.

  2. And why would anyone write that profile anyway? What girl wants to go on a date with someone who will talk incessantly about money and how important he is--even if he IS all that? (And they never are.) Even those tempted to marry for money would probably prefer a see-you-at-the-altar-and-never-thereafter arrangements with this guy.

  3. Perhaps he could "never do without" Starbucks because he earns a lot of his time at work picking up orders for the people he works for.

  4. Have you tried the reverse Google image search? It's pretty cool and might find your guy somewhere.

  5. That. Is. Hysterical.

    Seriously? WHO would want to date the kind of girl that would want a guy like that?? Except . . . well . . . maybe a guy like that :D

  6. Hilarious! oh OKCupid, I do not miss it. My cousin is on a dating site and claims he is 5'10" when really he's 5'2". Sadly, there are plenty of people who would be interested in his profile because they want a rich husband (though I doubt he's rich if he's on a free dating site)