Awkward sex

In honor of the recent Thanksgiving Break, where I spent the vast majority of my time sitting around, drinking Tab (you're missing out if you don't know why that is awesome) and watching movies with my family, I have decided to bring you my personal top ten list of Most Awkward Sex Scenes in Film.*

(PS, I know the title of this blog post is sheer numbers bait.  Judge away.)

10. Righteous Kill

Aside from the fact that both Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino spend the movie trying to pretend they were 15-20 years younger (seriously, isn't there a retirement age in the NYPD?), this film also features Robert DeNiro fulfilling the rape fantasies of a much younger female psychiatrist.

That's the picture of mental health.

9. Risky Business

The sex montage included positions on a staircase.  A STAIRCASE.  And no one even threw down a yoga mat first.

8. A History of Violence

Not only was there a staircase sex scene (complete with shot of resultant bruising - seriously, YOGA MATS, people) but a scene where the wife dresses up like a cheerleader for her husband since they never got to have sex in high school.  

Can I mention I watched this with my dad?

7. Munich

Just a thought - if you can't stop thinking about murdered Olympic athletes and all the international crimes you committed to avenge them, maybe you should go make yourself some herbal tea.

6. [I'm saving this spot for Breaking Dawn: Part 1.  I've just got a feeling about it.]

5. Brokeback Mountain

It's not just the fact that Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are basically beating the crap out of each other before they start making out.  It's mostly the fact that Heath Ledger hocks a loogie into his palm before they move from making out into more scandalous territory.

From Diego: "Seriously, so gross.  And not to be tmi, but that was not going to cut it."

From Rick: "I was living in New York when it came out, and all my friends were gushing about how realistic it was--'Of course that's how it would have to be, for them to finally be together!  It would be passionate and angry!'  I was like, 'Um, no.  That would have forced both characters back in the closet back in the closet for at least three years.'"

4. Avatar

I'm not sure which is worse.

A. Ponytails.

B.  The fact that Pocahontas-Stands-With-A-Fist-Crysta's parents can smell her de-virginized status the next day.

I might be leaning toward A.

3. Atonement

I try to refrain from broad generalizations (no, I don't), but whenever people start blathering about how Americans are so uptight when it comes to sexuality, I just want to point to this movie as Exhibit A of why they are wrong.

Scene: Two hot British people are going at it against a bookcase in a library.  Girl's creepy younger sister walks in on them, says, "Cecilia!" like the shocked ghost of a 90-year-old Victorian lady.  (If you saw it, you know exactly what I mean.)

What an American would do: Jump apart.  Guy scampers off.  Girl, faced with the prospect of forever traumatizing her younger sibling, takes the tyke aside and explains that sometimes grown ups do stuff, nothing scary about it, no biggie, but she needs to forget what she saw and never speak of it again.

What a Briton would do (and did, in the movie): Sloooooowly disengage.  It's like the little girl is a T-Rex and they figure if they move gradually enough, she won't see them.  Straighten clothes.  Snootily toss heads.  Go back to dinner.  Pretend nothing happened, but skip the crucial step of impressing on the little girl that NOTHING HAPPENED.

Sorry kids, but the real reason for all the tragic misunderstandings in Atonement is a lack of sisterly candor.

This is not normal behavior after a pre-teen catches you doing the nasty.

2. Enemy At The Gates

It really doesn't get any worse than dirty Soviet soldiers getting horizontal in a sewer, surrounded by other sleeping dirty Soviet soldiers, pausing only briefly when somebody walks by.  

Really.  They kept going after that.   

1. Watchmen

You know what I'm talking about -- the three minute sex scene set to Hallelujah (great song, uncomfortable usage) that included thigh-high hooker boots.  It's like a thousand horny nerds got together and decided how this scene should be shot.  I loved reading Watchmen, and I still like the movie, but seriously.  The spaceship shooting flames at the ... uh ... crucial moment?  

Keep in mind that this movie also prominently featured a giant blue glowing shlong, so the fact that this scene prompted the most giggles from the audience really says something.

* I would like to thank Diego, Sandy, Rick, Anna, Julie and that weird guy who kept suggesting Short Bus (gross, no) for helping me to refine this list during Diego's birthday party. 

For the record, nothing that was actually gag-inducing was considered because (a) I probably haven't seen them and (b) this list is about awkwardness, not grossness.  If I go to a mainstream film and then am confronted with an unrealistic, bizarre, overly long or overly detailed love scene, that's awkward.  If I go rent some smut and some smut happens, that's just a given.  For similar reasons, comedies were not included, because if awkwardness is the point (ahem, people who kept suggesting Bruno and Superbad and MacGruber) then it's not really awkward, is it?

Ponder that, my Zen friends.

Why I love BYU fans

Driving home after the game yesterday, Kate's husband Ryan turned on sports radio so we could listen to a few recaps.  For the most part, all the analysis came down to whether Utah would be able to hack it in the Pac-12 next year based on tonight's performance (irrelevant) and BYU fans complaining about a questionable call (typical).*

But my very favorite debate was who was truly the better team - Utah or BYU?

Utah with its 10-2 record and a (admittedly close) win over BYU ... or BYU, with a 6-6 record, and a loss to Utah. 

So tough to figure out.

As the debate raged on about physicality, statitistics, aggressiveness, attitude, whose team was trending up versus down, and who just "looked better" on the field, I began to wish there were a way to determine which of two teams was superior to the other.

Perhaps there should be a way to assess the skill level, leadership, ingenuity, toughness and cohesiveness of two different groups of athletes.  Maybe we could assign points to different actions, and give a certain amount of time (just throwing it out there - four fifteen minute quarters maybe) to see who achieves the most points.

Seems fair to me.








* Before you get all outraged and send me links to the instant-replay, I just want to say this: Sports are not scientific.  Let's assume the call was wrong.  Guess what?  Mistakes get made, teams win and lose over bad luck, and it all evens out in the end.  Cough cough Washington State?  Yeah.  So please, keep my blog a NO BITCHING ZONE.

(Except for my bitching.)

(OK, you can bitch.  But minimal pro-BYU bitching, please.  There's already too much of that in the world.)

And as for the possibility the call was right?  Look.  The calls are made on the field.  If they are challenged, there has to be incontrovertable evidence that the call was wrong or the call stands.  The call was challenged, and there was not sufficient evidence to overturn it.  If you want to live in a world of activist referees, fine, but personally, I want to live in a world where our judges call it like they see it, and restrain  themselves based on the parameters they are given.  Liberal hippies.

Finally, there is also the luck factor.  Yes, a punt-interception-touchdown drive is a bit of a fluke.  But to that I just want to say, in general, the classics had it right: Fortes fortuna adiuvat.  Suck it, monkeys.

Yankee Doodle Sighting Number 2

He's back!

Different sports coat - black velvet this time.  Different riding boots - black leather.  Different riding pants -black again.  His vest was black-and-silver and the tie MATCHED.

I know Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but this really might be the high point of my week.

At least I'm not a giant bug

A few days ago at work, my co-worker Sam and I were down in the doc review room, as usual.

I remarked that I have been feeling a bit existential lately.

And Sam said, "Do you ever read Dinosaur Comics?"

And I said yes.

And Sam said, "I read one the other day that said, 'This is the youngest you will ever be, for the rest of your life.'"

Uh, you're welcome

(If you've already seen it, I know I'm late to the party.  Doesn't change the fact that this is a stunning piece of art, though.)

Do you know why Dr. House is special?

Because he's good at reading people.

And other people are not good at reading people.

Which makes Dr. House even more special.

And people who try to be Dr. House even more lame. 

This is why whenever I see the trailer for Love and Other Drugs (which I feel would be more appropriately titled, "Pretty People With Emotional Problems"), I am reminded that there is nothing more annoying that someone attempting psychoanalysis.

Yup, if you call a girl by the wrong name repeatedly, she will totally put out.  If you are obviously phony, but bring a woman flowers, you will be rewarded with improved financial dealings.  And if you tell a guy that you're psychologically damaged, he will mature and stop being a bad person, and then fall in love with you.

Because everyone is dumber than you, and they will all fall for second-rate psychological tricks.

I hope living by these theories works out for everyone.

Dear professionalism brownie,

Thank you for being chocolately and delicious, and getting me through a five-hour lecture on being a good lawyer, complete with hypotheticals about soliciting clients (not applicable to me), contingency fees (not applicable to me), communicating effectively with clients (not applicable to me), being cordial with opposing counsel (not applicable to me), taking the high road when confronted with dirty tricks (not applicable to me) and maintaining a respectful decorum toward the court (also, not applicable to me).

Sure am glad we were separated into specialized "breakout groups" and I got to attend the course with other first-year associates in medium-to-large-sized law firms and talk about how to deal with dissociating partners (shockingly, not applicable to me).

Because at least that room had the brownies.