Life lessons from Barnes and Noble

I like that romance novels don't try to "class it up" and pretend they're something they're not.  Today, perusing the shelves at B&N, I was in for a literary treat.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best of the romance section - complete with commentary.*

• Ruthless Tycoon, Inexperienced Mistress: A novel by Cathy Williams

Cesar Caretti has had a string of sophisticated socialites warming his bed--until he meets Jude.  Her untainted beauty sets his Spanish blood on fire!  (Wait ... isn't Spanish blood supposed to be constantly on fire?)

Jude struggles to keep up with Cesar's glamorous world.  (Kegels.)  Then her inexperience is fully revealed: she's expecting the Spaniard's baby.  (Because virgins don't know how to use birth control.)  For Cesar there is only one option--marriage.  After all, he is a Caretti.  (And you know how those Carettis can be.)  And, as Jude discovers, his proposal is not a question--it's a command!  (Just like in good old pre-suffrage days!)

• Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love-Child: A novel by Jennie Lucas

In the seductive heat of Rio during its Carnaval, Ellie succumbs to her dangerously charismatic boss, Diogo Serrador.  (I smell a lawsuit!)  But, having taken her virginity, the Brazillian billionaire wants nothing more to do with her--until he discovers she's pregnant!  (What is with virgins these days?)

Diogo will accept nothing less than taking Ellie as his bride.  (Um ... so, no on the lawsuit, then?)  Their marriage is passionate by night, but tense and loveless by day.  Ellie realizes that she's in an impossible situation: Diogo's dark past has frozen his heart, but she's fallen in love with her husband ... (Let me get this straight - you're married to a billionaire with cheese grating abs, and you don't have to provide for him emotionally?  Tragic.)

• Captive at the Sicilian Billionaire's Command: A novel by Penny Jordan

Rocco Leopardi's demand is nonnegotiable: Julie Simmons must bring his little nephew to Sicily to the child may take his rightful place as a Leopardi!  (There just might be international treaties on this issue.)

At first Rocco thought Julie would be a gold digger (out to get his nonnegotiable fortune), but her unexpected innocence (read: virginity) is arousing.  When it's proved that Julie is actually the boy's aunt (?????), the sensual Sicilian changes the rules of his game.  (Ugh, Sicilians, always changin rules to stuff.)  He's got more than one good reason to keep this inexperienced waif captive -- and make her his wife!  (So ... not on the lookout for gold diggers any more?)

• Bought for the Sicilian Billionaire's Bed: A novel by Sharon Kendrick

To get the hordes of predatory women off his back (yes, that's right - hordes), billionaire Salvatore Cardini impulsively asks his petite office cleaner to be his convenient mistress!  (Why the exclamation point here?  They seem pretty standard after the first paragraph.)

Jessica reluctantly agrees - who would say no to such an incredibly attractive and commanding man?  (Girls with self-esteem.)  But he is on the international rich list (score!), with a glamorous lifestyle to match, while she has to work two jobs just to survive.  What she hasn't realized is her role isn't just to be on his arm in public--but to be his mistress in private, too!  (Which makes you a hooker, Jessica.  But don't worry, if you're also a virgin, you're going to get pregnant and then he's going to want to marry you.) 

• The Greek's Forced Bride: a novel by Michelle Reid

Greek billionaire Leo Christakis is convinced the drab, shapeless suits worn by Natasha are simply a cover for the gold-digging harlot who lies beneath.  (You know, I'm starting to feel for these poor foreign billionaires, beating off harlots with a stick.)

Mistakenly thinking Natasha's been stealing from his company, Leo commands her to be at his beck and call - in and out of the bedroom.  (Theft, rape, tomato, tomahto.)  Natasha is thrown into his world of unimaginable luxury.  (And she LOVES it!)  Then Leo discovers she's innocent -- in every sense!  (Oh, those virgins, getting the billionaires again.)  Now she has no choice -- she must become the Christakis bride!  (Because otherwise she'll make off with his seed!)  

Runners Up:

• The Ruthless Magnate's Virgin Mistress (Seriously, virgins, what is your deal?)
• The Spaniard's Virgin Housekeeper (My favorite part of this one is not just that it's another poor virgin at the mercy of her employer - when did that stop being sleazy and start being romantic, again? - but that her name is "Izzy Makepeace.")
  
• Taken for Revenge, Bedded for Pleasure (Also, what is up with the resurgence of the verb "bedded"?  Love it ...)

Honorable Mentions: 

The dozens more who continued to refer to men blackmailing women - either through use of child custody disputes, dying parents, or abject poverty - into putting out.  Swoon.

* Ahem.  These are all real books - real titles, real back cover descriptions.  You would think that I might have made up a creative little zinger like Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love-Child, but no.  Can't take credit.

Dead on balls accurate. It's an industry term.

Official Day of Bar Studying No. 13:

Finished corporations, first half of evidence.  Watched My Cousin Vinny in honor of said lecture.  

Little bastards

I don't like children, but I can usually tolerate them.  Today was not a tolerate-y day.

I went to Red Mango today for some delicious refreshment while I listened to an evidence lecture, and encountered easily the crappiest family in Davis County.  (Yes, a family can be crappy, and this one certainly was.)

Now, don't misunderstand me - I know I was at a frozen yogurt shop, not a library.  I wasn't expecting total silence, and in fact that was part of the reason I went there.  I enjoy a certain amount of white noise when I study, and stayed there quite happily for two hours as the radio blared, patrons went in and out, ate and had normal volume level conversations.    

But this family was the ultimate.

Three boys, all under the age of 6, all extremely likely to be felons someday.  Two vacuous "cool parents."  For fifteen solid minutes, these brats screamed at the tops of their lungs and chased each other around the store, knocking over chairs and generally harassing every other person in the joint.  

Their terrible parents did not care, and in some ways seemed to encourage this bad behavior.  Then, naturally, the oldest little monster pushes the 3 year old into the wall, where he smacks his head so hard that I heard it over all the other noise.  He starts screaming even louder, and without stopping to punish the older two - or even pausing to tell them to stop screaming/running/assaulting their brother - the "mother" picks him up and carries him outside, exercising the first semi-sound judgment of the afternoon.

Now, folks, I know it's hard to be a parent.  I know that I have no spawn of my own, and therefore probably shouldn't judge.  But here's a thought - if your kids are being absolutely awful, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE BUYING THEM ICE CREAM.  

I don't know, might send a mixed message.

I'll never forget the night I can't remember

Official Day of Bar Studying No. 12:

First time I woke up by 8 am!  Woohoo for me!

Finished real property.

Finished community property.  Delighted to realize that "community property" had very little to do with property, and lots to do with family law, which is easy stuff.  Not sure why I didn't realize that before, back when I was procrastinating the community property lecture.

Exercised.  (Man, this is a day of personal bests.)

Registered for Exam 4.  (And not on the last possible day, too!  Yay me!)

Got a letter from the Supreme Court of Arizona, saying they've received my certificate of graduation, and I can sit for the bar.  Woot!  (Well ... there is the whole character report I haven't finished ... but since I've been pushed back to January, I think I'll be ok letting that slide another week.)

Finished Con Law I AND Con Law II.

I think the phrase we're all looking for is "kicking ass and taking names."

Suck it, bar exam. 

Tankin' it

So, if on that fateful day in Tucson, Arizona, I am staring at an essay question with no earthly idea of what to write about, I want to have some back-up plans.  You know, in the absence of legal knowledge, what am I planning to write in an effort to get a pity point?  (If bar exam graders give pity points, that is.)  Or let's say I do know the answer, but am getting a little punchy in the heat of the moment.  I have to have a little joke or two to lighten things up.  

This will be an on-going project, but I have come up with two goals so far:

1. On any standing question, try to work in, "On the grounds of Brooklyn, your honor."  (Newsies.)

2. On any question where I just have no idea, write, "Only the Shadow knows."  (From The Shadow, duh.)

Back on the wagon...

After a weekend trip to Moab - which I'm sure I will talk about sometime later - I'm back in the bar studying saddle.  If only Real Property weren't up to bat, this getting back to real life thing would be so much easier.

Random thought of the day: Brangelina

Anyone else concerned by the fact that Brangelina haven't had and/or adopted a kid recently?  Hope their junk's ok ...