Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Pitch Wars Application Bio: Or, The Day I Learned How To Use GIFs

Recently, some Pitch Wars hopefuls started posting "mentee bios." A few other Pitch Wars hopefuls pointed out that, as none of us are mentees yet, that seems a little jinxy.

Here's the thing about Pitch Wars: Most of us ain't getting picked. The statistical reality is that, despite the confidence I have in my story, I will not make it into Pitch Wars. And that's ok, since I will be doing the regular-old querying thing this fall if I don't make it in. Pitch Wars is a great opportunity and I hope I get to take advantage of it, but if not, I will live.

So I am not making a mentee bio.

But here's the OTHER thing: I just learned to use GIFs. So ... obviously I still wanted to do a getting-to-know-me post.

(I mean, seriously, if someone had told me a long time ago that GIFs were this easy to use ... I would have been blogging with GIFs a long time ago.)


So if you've never met me before, welcome to the blog! This is me:

Yes, I put a filter on this. I had to cover my hag lines somehow.
I'm a lawyer and a writer and there are cowboys in my office. (There is a good reason for the cowboys.) When I am at the day job, I usually do my best to have a neutral-to-inquisitive expression on my face. This can be difficult, as I was born with a severe case of RBF. Symptoms of RBF include being frequently misunderstood and an inability to make friends in group settings. If you too were born with RBF, know that you're not alone.

This is my ethos. Most of it came from TV, and I don't feel at all bad about that, because I love TV.

1. If you want to inspire someone, quote Coach Taylor.

It's very simple, always start out with, "Listen to me, son. I'm gonna need you to listen."

2. When you want to burn someone, channel Don Draper's contempt.

3. And when it comes to succeeding at work, lean in like Liz Lemon.

4. When you have to admit you've blown it:

5. And when you want to blow someone's mind with your concept, and then totally fail to deliver in the long-term, just distract everyone with an attractive pirate:

(Spoiler alert: There are no funny Once Upon a Time gifs.)

6. If you find a partner-in-crime, treat them right. Like this:

Don't let it get weird.

Or criminal.

7. And when it comes to telling stories, I think it's always better to err on the side of ...

... than end up with ...

I take my storytelling very seriously.

(Of course, as an attorney, there is no one who makes the bile rise in my throat QUITE like Nancy Grace. But that's neither here nor there.)

8. And if you can't remember anything else about me, just remember this:

Best GIF ever.

August 16th edit: Now that I've officially entered Pitch Wars, I've joined the bloghop. To check out other Pitch Wars hopefuls, check out Dannie Morin's blog here.


  1. I love the nautical themed shirt juxtaposed against the surrealist cowboys.

    1. Ha! I should have guessed that you'd notice that :)

  2. That is seriously the best gif ever. You win the internet.

    1. Right?! I'm so pleased with myself, haha.

  3. You nailed Once Upon a Time.

    My husband's fake Coach Taylor quote: [with gusto] "Just give me a football team ... and I'll show you what I can do."

    Kors is the best judge on Project Runway. He needs to come back. He's like the Simon Cowell of truth in basic cable reality TV.

    1. So true! And since he's been gone, both Nina and Zac Posen have been trying to fill the funny-mean vacuum and it's not working. I still love it, but it's not working.

      My dream is to someday give an entire speech that is just ripping off Coach Taylor without anyone realizing it.

  4. Hag lines. *snort* If you have hag lines, I don't wanna know what mine are called.
    Oh, and I'm terribly disappointed by your lack of Captain Hook GIF. So here:

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