Sunday, September 16, 2012

What's better than watching the Utes win once?

Watching them win three times, friends.

Although, I do have to say, by the time the fans rushed the field the second time, I was ready to tear my hair out. STAY IN THE STANDS TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS, people. Also, how about just "don't rush the field unless it's the last game of the season and/or a bowl game and/or a championship"?

Yes, it was Homecoming, and yes, it was our biggest rival, but for pity's sake.

While we're at it, let's throw some additional Rules for Fandom out there.

1. Just because you are a large human does not mean you get more than your previously assigned allotment of bleacher.

This is not a criticism of fat people. This is a criticism of large men, in particular, who think that because they are over six feet tall and built like a brick wall, they get more space than everyone else, including sitting down on someone's THIGH without apologizing when I resumed my normal "seat 13" position after halftime.

I had about seven inches to myself at the game. I spent a lot of time standing sideways.

2.  Speaking of that guy, leave the game commentary to the uneducated professionals in the box.

In addition to unapologetically crowding into my personal space, The Mountain Who Yells At Offensive Coordinators also had some serious issues with any play that resulted in less than 5 yards. "Just two yards!" he'd yell sarcastically. "Just one yard!" All the way down the field.

Behind me, Ryan concluded that he must have been working on his numbers.

Three yards! Ah-ah-ah!

I would have much rather sat with this guy.
3. Work on your burns.

"Mormons! Funny!" - the conclusion of every dummy who didn't actually manage to graduate from the U.

While I was dealing with the Count on my left, Hannah was dealing with the white trash contingent on her right, who felt that certain words beginning with F (you know which two I'm talking about) were the height of comedy.

Look, there are a great many jokes to be made at BYU's expense. But the Mormon thing? Kind of played out. It would sort of be like trying to joke about the Pope, and coming up with, "You're Catholic!"

But explaining this to our dear friend, I fear, would have been futile. His favorite form of flirting with his girlfriend was poking her in the back while she yelled at him to quit it ... for four hours. He also enjoyed calling the refs "zebras," because you know, a two syllable word is a lot faster to yell than a one syllable one, and presumably because the Ref People have a terrible fear of animals of the Serengeti.

I'm starting to think that you should have to show your diploma or class schedule before being able to buy a ticket to a college football game.


  1. i was at a college football game yesterday and the old man sitting behind us also didn't seem to have a large vocabulary. GUess that's sports for ya, there is a wide range of fans.

  2. Ho-ly crap, you made me laugh. Ah-ah-ah!

    What a colourful bunch of people you encountered and survived. I almost feel like you just got home from an alien planet...

  3. Still licking my wounds over this loss.... *sigh*.... another year of humility!

    But oh, the white trash football fans! *grinds teeth* Makes watching the game at home aaaalmost seem more appealing!