You were so awesome when I bought you, but now I want to burn you to the ground, and I haven't even moved in yet. Please allow the refinishing of your floors with as little fuss as possible, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results. In return, I promise that I will never wash a paintbrush in your sinks again.
We are on a break. I like you, I really do, but the fact is I can't handle any more rounds of medicine ball cleans, toes to bar (or in my case, "knees almost parallel to hips"), mountain climbers, or ring dips while people far more athletic than I will ever be yell encouragement at me. I know I'm just a contrary person, but I actually don't find, "You can do it!" particularly inspiring. In fact, it just makes me want to hurl that kettle bell at someone's head.
If I could pick it up, of course.
If, during our time away from the gym, you could just somehow get smaller (or at least Kardashian-level bigger), I'd be grateful. And in fairness to you, I think it's high time that you stole some of the Boobs' thunder.
Mad Libs Edition: Designed To Protect My Personal Privacy, Such That It Is
Dear __________ (plural noun),
After more than __________ (period of time) of ____________ (gerund verb) your ___________ (institution) to end sort of like a mash-up of Alien 3 and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, I am _____________ (adverb) surprised that you seem to be _____________ (verb) this alleged "high road" I've heard so much about. Perhaps this will be the Toy Story 3 of __________ (events)? Perhaps.
No, you don't get the rest of your money even though the only thing left to do is install a shower door. You get the rest of your money when the project is DONE. Remember when we discussed this before the project began? Also, please address me when explaining your concerns, not my friend's husband. He may be holding a box of my personal possessions, but that does not make him an owner of this house.
And for future reference, asking someone who is moving into a house -- which, as we've previously discussed, is currently in an unfinished state of renovation -- for money WHILE THEY ARE MOVING is perhaps not the best course of action.
Dear Writing Aspirations,
I know I have neglected you severely in weeks past. Please do not give me the cold shoulder when I finally return to you in the coming days.
See above. Pretty sure I deserve a nerdy boyfriend and a cuddly puppy after all this, but I'll settle for a spa day. GET ON IT.