Monday, June 27, 2011

Things that might kill me before this month is through

Dear House,

You were so awesome when I bought you, but now I want to burn you to the ground, and I haven't even moved in yet.  Please allow the refinishing of your floors with as little fuss as possible, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results.  In return, I promise that I will never wash a paintbrush in your sinks again.

Dear Crossfit,

We are on a break.  I like you, I really do, but the fact is I can't handle any more rounds of medicine ball cleans, toes to bar (or in my case, "knees almost parallel to hips"), mountain climbers, or ring dips while people far more athletic than I will ever be yell encouragement at me.  I know I'm just a contrary person, but I actually don't find, "You can do it!" particularly inspiring.  In fact, it just makes me want to hurl that kettle bell at someone's head.

If I could pick it up, of course.

Dear Ass,

If, during our time away from the gym, you could just somehow get smaller (or at least Kardashian-level bigger), I'd be grateful.  And in fairness to you, I think it's high time that you stole some of the Boobs' thunder.

Mad Libs Edition: Designed To Protect My Personal Privacy, Such That It Is
Dear __________ (plural noun),

After more than __________ (period of time) of ____________ (gerund verb) your ___________ (institution) to end sort of like a mash-up of Alien 3 and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, I am _____________ (adverb) surprised that you seem to be _____________ (verb) this alleged "high road" I've heard so much about.  Perhaps this will be the Toy Story 3 of __________ (events)?  Perhaps.

Dear Contractor,

No, you don't get the rest of your money even though the only thing left to do is install a shower door.  You get the rest of your money when the project is DONE.  Remember when we discussed this before the project began?  Also, please address me when explaining your concerns, not my friend's husband.  He may be holding a box of my personal possessions, but that does not make him an owner of this house.

And for future reference, asking someone who is moving into a house -- which, as we've previously discussed, is currently in an unfinished state of renovation -- for money WHILE THEY ARE MOVING is perhaps not the best course of action. 

Dear Writing Aspirations,

I know I have neglected you severely in weeks past.  Please do not give me the cold shoulder when I finally return to you in the coming days.

Dear Universe,

See above.  Pretty sure I deserve a nerdy boyfriend and a cuddly puppy after all this, but I'll settle for a spa day.  GET ON IT.


  1. Amazing. I cannot imagine what I would say in a letter to my ass, but your's is hilarious.

  2. I made a secretary proctor this to me as part of our morning correlation meeting.

    Dear Crankshafts(plural noun),

    After more than a Bronze Age(period of time) of planking(gerund verb) your Muncie School of Business (institution) to end sort of like a mash-up of Alien 3 and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, I am forcefully(adverb) surprised that you seem to be catch(verb) this alleged "high road" I've heard so much about. Perhaps this will be the Toy Story 3 of the 1936 Olympics(events)? Perhaps.

  3. Ah Ru, I feel your pain. And as for the Contractor letter, that sounds like one I should have written to ours. He never get all the money he wanted because he left things unfinished and just disappeared from the job. Then six months later his wife called and said, "We really need payment for the kitchen cabinets." Uh, guess what, he had been paid in full for the kitchen cabinets. So what's he telling his wife? Gah!

  4. Sine - thanks man. If it helps, you don't have to write a letter to your ass since yours already looks cute in jeans. (Is that weird to say? Oh well.)

    Colt - excellent guesses, particularly 1936 Olympics. Honestly, it makes me regret filling in the movie blanks, because that could have been fantastic.

    Karen - why is it that everyone seems to have a bad contractor story? Kind of concerns me for that profession.

  5. Oh man, your contractor addressed your friend's husband instead of you? How crazy/annoying.

    Good luck with everything!

  6. So funny! I was in a major bummed out mood tonight and you perked me right up:)

  7. Hee hee... you're a funny girl. I love it! And I LOVE Mad Libs! Just introduced my kids to them the other day and they had a ball.
    I hope you get your spa day!!! :)

  8. Funny letters for unfunny situations. Good luck with the moving in!