Monday, April 25, 2011

U is for the ugly, red-eyed monster

Character flaw reveal time: I have a problem with rageaholism.

Now, anyone who knows me personally or reads this blog has probably figured out that a lot of things hit the Annoy Button in my brain.  But very few have met the real wrath monster.

The thing is, she only comes out on very special occasions--and usually, those occasions require going to bat for someone else.  (Not always -- I don't want you to think that Furious Ru is an entirely altruistic entity.) 

There are pros and cons to this bad side of me.  On one hand, she gets stuff done.  On the other hand, she has a tendency to screw things up worse than they needed to be for resolution of any problem.  (Not always -- I don't want you to think that she's just a big lug who doesn't know her own strength.  It's just that there is such a thing as killing a mosquito with a hand grenade, I have discovered.)

Anyway, due to Zen and maturity and a whole lot of other factors, I have mostly gotten my red-eyed monster under control.

Until a few days ago.   

Without going into details, someone has awaken the Rage Monster.  Someone who (here's the most important factor) deserves everything I can throw at him.*  Sure, I may seem like a nice little Lawyer Girl who bakes cupcakes and edits papers for free, but underneath my cardiganed exterior is a vengeful little beast that wants to download viruses on his computer and ruin his credit history.  Drive over to his house, penny his door,** egg his windows, put Nair in his shampoo, and a feral cat in his closet.  Then, for good measure, find a homeless guy, feed him a nice lunch of Molca Salsa, let him spend a few hours telling me his stories, and then take him to poop on a certain someone's windshield. 

All with Carmina Burana playing in the background.

(Ignore the weird imagery ... I have no idea what's going on there.)


I'm probably not going to do any most of that because I like to think I've matured.

* For the record, this person is not an ex-boyfriend of mine.  I'm actually a very nice girlfriend and pleasant ex-girlfriend. 

** For those of you who don't know what "pennying" a door is -- it's when you jam pennies between the door and door jamb so the door will no longer open.  It only works on doors that swing out.  It's a mostly self-explanatory process and incredibly douchey to boot. 


  1. I have an angry music playlist on my ipod that I use. It features a great deal of 70s metal and 90s rap. Also, take the boxing class the release of aggression is amazing.

  2. Oh, I am still laughing after landing on your blog in the A-Z hop. . I even read back for a few posts. You have such a genuine - and hilarious -style.
    I'm following your further (mis)adventures.

  3. remind me never to get on your bad side

  4. Very funny! I too have been enjoying your A-Z posts - thanks!

  5. Too funny! (I'm now tempted to try "Penny" a door...)

  6. I have this red-eyed monster too. I might have to borrow one or two of these ideas...

  7. Stephanie and Laurie - thank you!

    Becca - I'm sure you won't :)

    Alexis and Karen - pennying can be surprisingly effective ... and leaves little permanent damage, in case you have a guilty conscience.