Thursday, March 3, 2011

So a walrus and a banana go on a date ...

Awhile back, I was set up on a blind date. (Feel free to judge.) At the time, it seemed like a good idea.  Really cute, grad school, likes football, etc. and so forth.  But (as you've probably guessed, given that I'm blogging about it) I was so, so wrong.

First, he texted me 172 times within a week of me giving him my number.  (That's not an exaggeration.  That's the number.)  I don't like texting in general, but that is way too much by anyone's estimation.  And it's all crap, like, "Good morning, how is your day today?"  (UH, super busy.  Same as yesterday when you texted me the exact same damn thing.  Thanks for asking again.)  Also, the phrase, "Hey good looking"?  Icky.

He also came across as a bit of a psycho in these texts.  In one, he "joked" about us going out every day this week.  Then he "joked" about us getting married.  Then he "joked" about renting a tux and limo for our first date.  As you can imagine, I didn't find these jokes particularly amusing, no matter how many winky-face emoticons there were.

We were supposed to go out two weeks ago, but I was busy with work and not feeling super hot, so I asked if we could postpone.  After that, he asked me EVERY SINGLE DAY how I was feeling.  And then when the blessed day finally arrives and we're on our date, he says, "Oh my gosh, I haven't asked you how you're feeling yet!"

When I replied, "Uh, yeah you have," he just looked all confused, as if he didn't realize that asking me Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday-Tuesday-AND THAT MORNING how I was feeling in text counted as appropriate concern for my ailments. 

(Why did I even go out with him?  I don't know, I felt like I couldn't bail twice.)

I asked how his day had been, and he said, "Oh it's a funny story.  It involves a walrus and a banana."  When I stared at him with my best Are you serious face, he says, "Not really," and laughs like that his HILARIOUS.

He then proceeds to ask me all those first date questions anyone past the age of 13 knows are annoying.  How many brothers and sisters?  What are your hobbies?  What do you like best about New Denver?  (Seriously.  What do you like best about the town you chose to live in?)  What music do you like?  A little automatic machine gun of questions, that one.  I should have printed up a dating resume and just handed it to him. 

He then makes it clear he doesn't remember ANYTHING from our phone conversation, because he asks me when I went to law school, what other places I have lived, how long I have worked at my new job -- about a dozen things he had already asked me a few days before.  And then within 20 minutes, he had forgotten the answers AGAIN, because he says something about me being at my job for three years.

(Yes, I know this is a major sign he has mixed me up with a different girl.  Moving right along ...)

And he had no sense for social cues. For example, I had just been at work for 12 hours, and he wanted to talk about it.  Did you not hear the part about me being at work for TWELVE HOURS? Who wants to talk about work after being there for twelve hours? Ladies and gents, I don't have a poker face.  When I don't like something, you can pretty much tell just by looking at me -- unless you're my date, apparently.

Then he tells me how New Denver people are weird, and I just wanted to say, "Or you're incredibly pushy and our laid-back mountain people ways can't handle it."

The thing is, I think someone must have told him once that he's pushy, because when he asked me out, he asked me if he was being too forward.  I had to seriously resist saying, "Not really.  That's what you're supposed to do with a girl's phone number."  As I walked to my car, I kind of wanted to give him a date review card that said, "Asking a girl out is not forward.  Texting her ten million times when she has never initiated a text to you is.  Joking about getting married is.  And for the record, gesturing to your admittedly handsome face and asking, 'So is this what you were expecting?' may not be forward, but it is a little douchey."

He finally seems to get that this is not going super well, so he says, "I'm really nervous."  And I (feeling bad) say, "Oh, sorry." And then he laughs again - "Not really, hahahahahaha" -- the banana and walrus thing all over again. 

My favorite moment of the evening came when he asked me whether it's pronounced, "Rumbee or Rumb-eye."  I tell him it's "Rumbee" and he goes (in maximum Mormon cheese voice) "How do you know?  How do you know it's not Rumb-eye?"*

What I should have said:  Because the girl at the front said, "Welcome to Rumbis" when we got to the counter.  Because there's actually a pronunciation guide on the dessert menu that's right in front of your face.  Because I know that's how it's pronounced, and if you didn't want to know you shouldn't have even asked me. 

But what I really said, in my best silly Mormon voice, "Oh, I don't know!"

Because really, I was probably not being my nicest anyway, we were definitely not going out again, and you have to throw a kid a bone now and then.

* I know I've said it before, but I really do blame Jack Weyland for this phenomenon where a Mormon boy thinks that by challenging you on something silly or random, he becomes charming.  It's not charming.  It's so annoying I don't even know where to begin.  Yet I constantly run into boys who repeatedly try to talk me out of what food I order or what movie I pick in the name of so-called spontaneity, try to convince me to pretend that we're engaged when we're not because it will supposedly be "hilarious," and act like they don't believe me when I inform them not-all-that-important facts.

("Are you sure your birthday is in March, haha?"  YES, you ass.  NO, my parents did not lie to me as a child.  Even if they did, it would not be "hilarious."  It would be psychotic.  Why do you think everything is hilarious?)

Mormon Boys.  JUST STOP.  And yes, it is just you.  I have never--NEVER--gone out with a non-Mormon boy who did ANY of this.**  It's the square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not always a square rule: of course not every Mormon boy is a giant contrarian cheesemonster of douchiness, but a giant contrarian cheesemonster of douchiness is inevitably a Mormon boy.

(And yes, I know very few Mormon boys ever read Jack Weyland, so really, I blame the psychotic Mormon girls who read him, and then encouraged psychotic Mormon boys to use his tactics.  If you want to get all technical about it.)

**  (Of course, they do other irritating things, but that's a topic for another day.)***

*** AND yes, I know Mormon girls can be equally irritating.  I never said otherwise.  See above explanation re: psychotic Mormon girls.


  1. I groaned several times while reading this.

    I can empathize with the wanting to discuss what you did at work, because it holds some strange fascination for me what other do. The challenging you on a trivial point is obnoxious beyond recompense. I may be projecting on to this guy the annoyance I feel with every 22 year old married guy that moves into my EQ, but I am totally okay with this.

    I suggest reading the Chuck Klosterman's "23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them" from his second book "Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs" nothing makes for better first date conversation.

  2. Sorry - that was a BAD date.

    I only went on one blind date in my life. I had talked to him one time on the phone the night before our date.

    We've been together 16 years and he is still pretty hot :)

    Then again he didn't have any douche Mormon boy moves.

    Sounds like the Mormon boys might need wingmen of a non Mormon persuasion [just for the dating tips part].

  3. Ummm...I'm pretty sure you just went out with my former hometeacher. Unless you're suggesting there are TWO Mormon guys out there who think texting you a hundred times a day for a week is appropriate. Oh wait. That's exactly what the last part of your post established in its very accurate description of Mormon dating. Blah. If it makes you feel any better, one time when I went on a blind date he was so awkward it resulted in me falling off a giant inflatable hot dog to try and liven things up. That was a low point. =)