Monday, December 27, 2010

Breakup songs to live by

Every time I hear You Oughta Know, I imagine that Alanis Morisette crawling under her covers to hide whenever she hears it circa 2010.

First of all, it's about Dave Coulier.  UNCLE JOEY.

Second, it's just way too angry.  Way, way too angry.

Look, we've all been there.  Breakups suck.  There's no underplaying it.  But if you want to move on, obsessing about the Dave Couliers of life won't help.  Please refer back to point one if you need more clarification on this issue.

Compare the angry-psycho-chick lyrics of You Oughta Know with the following:
  • You wait a couple months then you gonna see, you'll never find nobody better than me.  (Kanye West)
  • It's just too bad you've already had the best days of your life.  (Kellie Pickler)
  • I hate to break it to you, babe, but I'm not drowning.  There's no one here to save.  (Sara Bareilles)
  • Guess what?  I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool, so so what.  I'm a rockstar.  (Pink)
  • No, you can't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you might just find you get what you need.    (Rolling Stones)
  • I'm gone to find someone to live for in this world.  There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight, just a bridge that I gotta burn.  (Kelly Clarkson)
  • I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover.  I loved you forever, but now it's over.  (Boys Like Girls) 
  • If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.  (Beyonce)
  • Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father, run for your children, for your sisters and your brothers.  Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.  The dog days are over, the dog days are gone. (Florence and the Machine)
Really, there's no need to make someone think you're about to punch them in the nutsack or ovaries.  You might be sad, or angry, or bitter, but put down the copy of Jagged Little Pill.  It's not helping anything.

And finally, stay away from the facebook status update altogether.  You might find something empowering about the words Stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more ... but the rest of us are making like Alanis and looking away in embarrassment.  Stop talking about the high road.  There is no high road if you're on the internet.

Just trying to be helpful.


  1. She seriously wrote that song about Dave Coulier - or are you just joshing. That is too funny if true. Wow.

    I love the sentence "There is no high road if you are on the internet" hee


    Amen, and amen.

    (And in Alanis's defense, yes, she probably cringes...cringes ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.)

  3. Skippy Mom - yeah, but in her defense, she was only obeying the Hollywood Rule that all famous Canadian people must date all the other famous Canadian people before moving on to Americans.

    Gurrbonzo - tou-freaking-che.

  4. My break up routine always involved a lot of Sinatra. The "Wee Small Hours" album and "One for my Baby" got me through many a shattered heart.

    Also, he had the best quote ever on breakups when asked for advice Frank replied "There is nothing you can do. A broken heart just sucks, but I am told listening to my songs helps."

  5. DAVE COULIER??? Bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Wow, I am going to do nothing but laugh hysterically whenever I hear that song now. Well, except maybe vomit. Yes, I may also do that.