Sunday, March 28, 2010

Churchy wackadoos

Caveat: I'm in the middle of trying to make Mormon friends ... again.  (Thanks for the encouragement, internet readers.)  If any potential Mormon friends happen to find this blog ... um ... well, okay, maybe I secretly mocked you and your peers on the internet.  

But Jesus commands you to forgive me.   Let's still be friends, k?

It's Mormon Quirk Roundup Time!

Easter Pageant:
The five teenagers sitting in front of me and Amy spent the ENTIRE hour-long outdoor Easter Pageant giggling and flirting.  Two of them literally were turned around in their seats and never once glanced at the stage.  I'd be more annoyed, except that one of the boys Generic Mo Girl was furiously batting her eyelashes at was clearly gay, so the joke was on her.

Also, I find the visual spectacle of Ballerina Virgin Mary to be troubling on so many levels.  But that's just me, being spiritually dead inside.

Ginormous Imaginary Date Night:
The ward recently organized an event where ten people got together at various restaurants around Austin so we could pair off, get married, make Mormon babies get to know each other.  I considered this a prime opportunity to make some friends and immediately signed up.

Of course, I ended up sitting next to someone I'd met before.  Weirdo Numero Tres, to be precise.  Not only did he not remember me, but he proceeded to ask me the same questions he asked me the first time we met, complete with the same insulting responses.  (To recap: Where did you go to law school?  I could have gone somewhere better.  Also, I have superior morals to you, albeit a minimal understanding of civil liberties.)  At some point, I started laughing because it was so surreal, which I'm sure made me look incredibly rude to everyone else at the table.

But there were some new, interesting tidbits.

1. WNT responded to one of his student's questions about gay marriage complete with details from the PROCLAMATION ON THE FAMILY.   "Ya know, of course I didn't phrase it that way, but you got to share your beliefs." Or something.

Internal monologue: You should be fired for displaying a total lack of judgment.  You don't want teachers teaching your kids pro-gay-marriage sentiment?  Maybe you ought to leave your own anti-gay-marriage sentiment at the door then and leave all gay-marriage-related discussions to parents. 

2. WNT responded to a wardie's comments that she was still playing with My Little Ponies at 13 with, "I don't think there is a single girl in my school who hasn't lost her virginity by 13."

Internal monologue: You should be fired for being a total perv who speculates on his students' sexual activities.

3. WNT asked me my opinions on healthcare reform.  (Pro.)  Then about whether I thought it was Constitutional.  (Absolutely.)  Then he chuckled patronizingly and said, "Are you sure about that, heh heh?"  (To a moral certitude.)  Then he asked me who I voted for.  (Obama.)  He then proceeded to compare President Obama to a general authority.


Sunday School:
And speaking of the President, today the teacher began our lesson by saying, "I don't want this to get political ... but I found a study that found President Obama has broken 17 promises, compromised on 150, and stalled on over 200."

Ahh, and it comes full circle.


  1. I am simply speechless at what WNT said. ALL of it. Wow. Especially the law school thing and the 13 year old losing virginity comment. WOW.

    Le' douch# I am sure.

  2. Wow, sounds like a REAL keeper. I know I would SO want to be bonded to him for all time and eternity! LOL!

  3. Oh and I AM also Mormons, so if we become friends, it is okay that you mocked me...wait, in what way did you mock...I am no Molly sad I am so ashamed! Err...dang lying again!

  4. I should probably appreciate the humor of WNT's supreme awkwardness, but I just can't. I can't stand people who are so asininely sure of the Celestial righteousness of themselves and their political views.

    That you were able to restrain your mocking of his idiocy to a blog post as opposed to his face is proof that you are a better human being than I.

  5. I'm Mormon. But I'm also in law school. So I think that already made us friends. Sorry I can't help with that whole branching out thing.