Sunday, November 22, 2009

Reason Number 72 Not To Have Kids: They Might Murder Me

 I don't really like kids.  Really, really do not care for them.*

I mean, I want to have my own, since fortunately biological imperative will win out over mere distaste, but that doesn't change the fact that kids are kinda gross.  Kinda demanding.  Kinda irritating.

Kinda terrifying.

I mean, seriously.  You're a big, fat liar if you don't find the concept of a small child a little concerning.  Big eyes.  Tiny hands.  Tiny teeth.  Stealthy movements.  Ability to hide in weird places.  Unexplainable emotional responses - creepy laughter, creepy solemnity, creepy silence.  I submit that any child's expression can become bone-chilling given the right lighting.   See picture left.

I'm not exaggerating, nor am I alone in this -- the whole idea of children-as-symbolic-death-of-adults concept has spawned a gazillion horror movies.

The Good Son.

The Orphanage.

The Bad Seed.

The Children of the Corn.


The Ring.

Rosemary's Baby.

The Exorcist.

Let The Right One In.

And what about movies where children are not the main attraction, but feature in predominantly creeptastic ways?

Blue dress girls from The Shining.

Little boy and his raspy-voiced finger from The Shining.

Chanting kids in Nightmare on Elm Street.

Tween zombie from beginning of The Dawn of the Dead.

Meowing boy in The Grudge.

Banjo boy from Deliverance.

Murderous toddler in Pet Sematary.

I mean, I'm not saying I won't ever spawn one or two, I'm just saying I won't be inclined to let them have friends.  Also, if you are a friend of mine with a child, I'm sure your child is lovely and non-homicidal, and I will be delighted to remark pleasantly on the cute bow and/or baby sneakers she or he is wearing.

I just don't want to ever be left alone in a room with it.

Safety first.

(*Genuine fear, or a desire to avoid babysitting for the rest of my natural life?  You decide.)

1 comment:

  1. I'm going to have to agree with this. Small children are terrifying and obnoxious and loud and smelly. I pretty much dislike children. I have not seen any of the movies you listed, except the Exorcist, otherwise I probably would have decided against procreation. Also, regarding the Bad Mormon post: people probably assume you're not because you don't talk about how much you love your Cricut, going the ward party, or how it's so hard to find 'modest' clothes as a regular topic of converstaion. You talk about, you know, real topics. Just occassionally drop lines how much fun you had scrapbooking about all the cute clothes you just bought from Shade and Downeast Basics at the latest Relief Society social and you'll have no problems again.