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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

the worst dates: a rundown

1. Root beer barrels

He kept dozens of root beer barrels (you know, those old-timey candies?) in his pockets. He'd finish sucking on one, immediately unwrap the next and pop it into his mouth. He never offered me a single one and kept them tucked into his cheek when we talked he just slurped around his root beer barrel spit.

2. The writer

I thought this one might be promising, because who doesn't want to hang out with fellow writers? As it turns out, though, dating them might be a bridge too far. When I told this guy I'd just finished a college-set romantic comedy, he openly rolled his eyes and said, "Aren't romantic comedies scraping the bottom of the literary barrel?"

3. The guy who bragged about sinking someone else's shot of getting into an MBA program.

4. The guy texted me to let me know he missed me after one date.

5. The special delivery

Once upon a time, I was in a sorority. As you may know from your own sorority days (or watching Legally Blonde), sororities hold dances once a semester. My sorority generally did a formal in the fall and a cocktail party in the spring.

The spring dance of my sophomore year, I found myself without a date so my cousin Alli and I decided to go stag together. On the drive there, my friend Sadie called and asked if her boyfriend (a Sigma Chi) could bring his friend as my date. I said sure.

Alli and I sat down to our dinners. Sadie, her date, and my "date" were nowhere to be found. They finally arrived forty-five minutes late with Sadie in tears. I pulled her into the bathroom and asked what was wrong.

"They stopped under an overpass and sold someone drugs!" she said. "I just had to sit in the car and watch!"

So that's how I ended up stuck at the Provo Country Club with a drug dealer.

6. The guy who I am fairly certain only pantomimed putting money in the bill fold, grabbed my hand, and dragged me out of the restaurant before the waitress came back.

7. The poly guy

This is another online scenario. I went out with this guy 3 or 4 times and he seemed great -- cute, smart, polite. On our first date, a random barista stopped by our table to tell us, "This may be weird, but you guys are an extremely good-looking couple." (Yes, I assume the guy asked the barista to say that when I wasn't around, BUT STILL.)

We were supposed to have dinner at my house one night when he texted me and asked if he could call me. This was worrisome, obviously, because people only call when there's something bad to be said -- and after 3 or 4 dates, there really can't be anything bad.

But it turned out, this guy was just confessing that he "wasn't a player," but he also "wasn't interested in monogamy." It took a few pointed questions to get him to admit that he wasn't merely saying he wanted to keep things casual -- he wanted me to be one of his many, many girlfriends.

Weirdly though, he didn't yet have ONE girlfriend, so talk about putting the cart before the horse.

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