I have a big pet peeve when it comes to an online dating profile: A list of things you hate about people who are on the same site as you, and nothing else. (I hate the following: Slutty pictures! No pictures! Poor grammar! Etc.! So hit me up if you're not like that :))
Look, I get it. Online dating is the worst. The unmitigated, unqualified worst. But no one wants to date the person whose only personality description is "here is the stuff I hate."
I say this, knowing that I will soon be accused of the same behavior. But ladies and gents of Blogland, after a few rounds in the Online Dating Trenches, I feel like it is my obligation -- nay, my sacred duty -- to let you all in on a few tips to improve your own online dating misadventures.
Or at least, provide you some amusement.
1. For the gents: Do not post pictures of yourself with guns or dead animals on your dating profile.
For the ladies: Do not agree to meet a man who posts pictures of himself with guns or dead animals on his dating profile.
Friends, I don't have particularly strong feelings about guns or hunting. I do have a very strong feeling about the HORDES of young men who feel like it is appropriate to advertise how many guns/kills you have to anonymous women who are already 10% convinced you might be a serial murderer.
I saw a profile with the tagline, "Looking for my princess." And his profile pic was, I kid you not, him looking through the scope of an automatic rifle. Just think about how that looks to a stranger. For one minute.
I am potentially willing to date someone who hunts. I am not willing to date someone who thinks their best look is a picture of them dressed like the Unabomber, holding aloft a still-bleeding deer head. Do you see the distinction?
2. For the gents: No one cares about how many cars/motorcycles you own.
For the ladies: Do not agree to meet a man who has more pictures of his cars/motorcycles than of him and his friends.
Guys, what would you think of a girl who had pictures of all her shoes or dresses or books or whatever on her dating profile? Not much, right?
3. If you have to describe yourself as "nice" ... you aren't. If you think you're only looking for "nice" ... try harder.
If you're about to go on a three paragraph rant about how girls treat nice guys like crap and how guys are so shallow that they overlook nice girls ... newsflash: You aren't a nice person. Nice people don't make sweeping generalizations about others. Nice people aren't insanely bitter. Nice people don't consistently fail to identify their own flaws in dating and blame everything else on others.
And also, nice people are not entitled to getting a date, much less getting into a real relationship.
If the most you can say about yourself is, "I'm nice," then no wonder you're single. You are not owed romance because you meet the baseline for basic human decency. No one ever dated anyone for their "niceness," they date them because they are interesting. If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend, be interesting, not entitled. Mere kindness (assuming that you are actually kind, and not a closet lunatic) is the lesson you should have learned back in kindergarten.
4. For the gents: Don't call women sluts. Ever.
For the ladies: Don't date guys who call women sluts. Ever.
This one should be a no-brainer, but apparently it isn't: even Snow-Freaking-White doesn't like the word "slut." You want to decide which girls, based on their photos, are sluts and which ones aren't? Awesome. You want to declare yourself a Slut-Free-Zone? Cool.
Just keep in mind that even the "non-slutty" women don't really appreciate having their entire worth determined by some guy who has never even met them. All you're going to attract with that tactic is women who base their self-esteem on the high or low praise of men ... which might have been what you were going for, consciously or not.
Any advice you'd like to share with the universe, friends and readers?