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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

This is why I hate the internet: Part 1

I was recently persuaded to sign up for a particular internet dating service.  Part of this service involved answering personal questions about yourself, deciding what answers to that same question you would accept from someone else, and then ranking the overall importance of that topic.

Example:

(Check one) At the end of a long, frustrating day, I would prefer to:
(a) read in front of a roaring fire until it's time for bed
(b) cook gnocchi seasoned lightly with my tears
(c) snuggle a kitten and plan my future wedding while murmuring, "You'll never leave/fire me, will you, Lord Charles Whiskerton III?"
(e) snort a line of cocaine and then pop Scarface in my DVD player

(Check as many as apply) I would accept the following answers from another person:
Repeat previous options

The importance of this question to my future happiness is:
(a) Irrelevant
(b) Somewhat important
(c) Important
(d) Very important
(e) Mandatory.  Especially in the event of choosing C.

When you have done all of this, said service will email you a PDF flowchart of the things that are really most important to you in dating.  This will allow you to make better decisions (which you obviously need help with -- you're turning to the internet to solve your dating woes).

Apparently what I've been doing wrong all this time is failing to follow this simple three step process that a series of inane questions revealed about me:

(1) Can you engage in intellectual conversation?  If yes, proceed to step 2.
(2) Are you an animal person? If yes, proceed to step 3.
(3) Do you want an "open relationship"? If no ...
LET'S GET MARRIED!

Thanks, internet dating service.

(What I really want to know is this: Who checked that they only brush their teeth once or twice A WEEK, or worse -- would accept that from someone else?  Because if there were people who checked that box, I would like to go back to when I skipped "Do you think the world would be a better place if people with a low IQ were not allowed to procreate?" because my real answer seemed too mean and instead write, "Hells to the hell-yes!" instead.)

6 comments:

  1. Haha. That is hilarious! I'd probably say the same thing about low IQ if someone checked that box :)

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  2. Wow! This made me laugh so hard. Now, I want to sign up just to answer the stupid questions. Do you see how others answered? Priceless!

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  3. Ref: c) snuggle a kitten and plan my future wedding while murmuring, "You'll never leave/fire me, will you, Lord Charles Whiskerton III?"

    That had me rolling. Too hilarious.
    Got to love the internet...or not :-)

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  4. Wow, as if you couldn't figure those things out for yourself. "I'm an animal person? My life has CHANGED!"

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  5. Could Lord Charles Whiskerton III really be a puppy? Would that change your answer? :)

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