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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dear

 Have you heard of this "I'm going to ask a celebrity out on YouTube" thing that's going around?

It made me ponder who I would ask out via the world-wide-web, should I choose to abandon all dignity (or in the alternative, spend at least a week creating the most ridiculous video I could -- because as we all know, beyond abandoned dignity lies glory).

But I couldn't think of a soul.

And then it occurred to me what I really wanted to say on YouTube -- shout outs to fake people.

***
Dear Lady Edith Crawley from Downton Abbey,

Sweetie, I know your older sister is a raging biatch, but that's no reason to become a bitter shrew.  Let's stop with the passive-aggressiveness, shall we?  Inform your parents that it's time they take an interest in your future and stop with the Mary-Mary-Mary show.  Spend more time with your sister Sybil, she is awesome.

And if you can't stop drinking the haterade, perhaps a change of scenery is in order.  Consider volunteering at a hospital during season 2's WWI or going to New York to visit your Yankee grandparents.

Your outfits are completely adorable,

- Ru

***

Dear Shane from The Walking Dead,

I know a lot of people don't like you, but I think you're the bomb. I'm so glad they didn't kill you off in season 1. Here's hoping you continue making rational decisions and a little more time with your shirt off come February.

PS - If you kill Dale, you will be dead to me.

PSS - Not really.  I'll just be annoyed for a little while.  And if you then killed Andrea, it would go a long way toward me forgiving you.

***

Dear Don Draper,

For some reason, thinking about you makes me tired. Really tired. And wont to speak in clipped.  Deliberate. Sentences.

Maybe it's the slow, languorous pace at which you live your life. Maybe it's knowing that you make horrible decisions, and most likely will continue making horrible decisions. Maybe I'm just kind of worn out after the season of moping-and-very-little-creative-genius, especially now that the one bright spot amidst your malaise is no longer with us. (Rest in peace, Miss Blankenship.)

I don't know, man. It's been over a year since we've seen each other, and maybe the absence has not made my heart grow fonder.

If it makes you feel any better, I loved Dr. House a lot more than I loved you, and I came to a similar conclusion about him ages ago. 

***

Dear women of the The Bachelor franchise,

If all of you don't get up and leave en masse after Ben skinny dips in the ocean with another girl on national television right in front of you, I will have lost a lot of hope for feminism in general.

Let me repeat: A guy you are dating is going to go SKINNY DIPPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WITH ANOTHER GIRL. Would you put up with this in real life? No, you would not. So why are you putting up with it on TV?

Unless it's for the vacations. I could put up with that for a free trip to Thailand, too.

So ... never mind, ladies. Carry on. 





What do you have to say to some people on TV?

10 comments:

  1. Haha. You are just so funny :)

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  2. This made me crack up. I'd totally put up with the skinny dipping a-hole for a trip to Thailand. I'd just respectfully decline the overnight date. Lol

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  3. F'reals. Whenever they say, "here for the right reasons," I immediately think, "Vacations, exactly." Because there is literally no other right reason to put yourself through that nonsense.

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  4. Hahaha- I loved what you said to the women of the Bachelor. I would say, to the women of all future bachelors, Watch the Show you fools. Do you not understand what is going to happen on this show?
    And please, stop crying on the first night. Sheesh.

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  5. Oh I do love Lady Edith but I think you're right. She's in a losing battle with Mary.

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  6. Why must we suffer through Mary's presence in the Abbey? Why can't Mum, Pops or Granny just pawn her off to some poor bastard, already? She is the Rebecca Black of period drama heroines.

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  7. Totally with you on the bachelor thing. I mean, seriously??

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  8. Ha! This is so funny. Who would I write my letter to? Hmm, how about Jeremy Clarkson from British Top Gear. I love him and the show, but he needs to lay off the anti-American talk, even if it is hilarious.

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  9. Lol I love your shout-outs. Of course, the ladies can draw straws and decide who's going to distract the cameras and who's going to drown the bachelor. ;-P

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  10. I really need to watch Downton Abbey. It's on my list.

    As for Shane, I just don't know how I feel about him. Sometimes I love him. Sometimes I want him to be eaten by zombies. But if he kills Andrea, he can pretty much get away with anything he ever does ever again because I will love him forever.

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