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Friday, August 12, 2011

Overwhelmed

(I'll have you know, I resisted the urge to title this post, "Overwhelmed with a**h****."  I debated whether "with" or "by" was funnier, and then I realized, "Oh hey, that's kind of vulgar, isn't it?"  As you can tell, cooler heads prevailed.  Sort of.  I mean, I did include this parenthetical explanation.)

Look, things are not going well for me right now, for no particularly good reason.  Problems that once seemed commonplace ("Oh damn, the check engine light is on") now seem catastrophic ("NOT THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT!").  Throw in enough little, normal problems and you have the situation in which I've currently found myself -- whimpering behind my desk at work.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I go to blogs and facebook (and now that behemoth Twitter, brought by the foulest wind off the Great Salt Lake on an icy winter's day, a stinking abscess on my soul, an all-around plague upon the children of men*) and I am completely blown away by sheer lameness.

You made a smoothie?  Oh, really?  Was it nummers?  Was it nummers to your tummers?

I am happy!

I am annoyed!

I am mildly constipated! 

What?  A friend with whom I have a troublingly codependent relationship has said something??? *Snuggle!* *Giggle!* *Frown!* *Gulp!* *Gasps!*

(Question: Can you *litigates*?  *philosophizes*?  *establishes political foundation by which our future republic shall be run*? *thinks dirty thoughts while pretending to pay attention in church*? *feigns enthusiasm*? *sucks up*? *represses urge to pee*? *regrets life choices*? *ignores funny taste in mouth*?)

I think I would like Twitter better if it were more like Survivor, The Bachelor, and American Idol -- once you have proven yourself useless, ugly, or untalented, you have to leave the twittersphere in a slump of shame.  NO CONFETTI OR MONEY OR ROSES FOR YOU!

Granted, there will always be someone who was in the Top 3 all season long and then suddenly sends  a model down the runway wearing nothing but neon pink string and washers (DAMN YOU, EMILIO! RT: @emiliosmodel: I'm gonna straight up murder that douche) but the possibility of being called the weakest link would forever force people to try their hardest be on their A-Game.  

(Mixed metaphors = mark of tired Ru. *slowly dies inside* #needssteak&aDietCoke #existentialcrisis)

NO MORE FAILURE, INTERNET.  Let's all commit to reaching beyond the easily grasped standard of mediocrity, and remove this specter of asshatism from our collective generation. Together, we shall move forward with all means of valor, casting false self-deprecation in the form of announcements of "failure," exclamation points, and any mention of chocolate by the wayside, knowing these things to be mere crutches of the intellectually untaxed and Cathy comic strip wannabees, and striving for a reduction of lameness and oversharing, which is the truest mark of honor and glory we may hope to achieve.

Try outdoing that in 140 characters, bitches.






* I'M SORRY, I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT TWITTER, OK?

9 comments:

  1. Not only can I not out do it in 140 characters, I have read it three times and honestly can't even decipher the point. Sorry.

    You hate Twitter? Is that it? Then perhaps you should avoid it? Maybe?

    I did, however, get the allusion to the "Cathy comic strip wannabes."

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  2. If you don't care for social media, then don't use it. I've enjoy a happy, full life without Twitter.

    But there is no reason to insult others who do find enjoyment from such things.

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  3. Doesn't cuddling your puppy help? :)

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  4. LOL! Love this post. I use Twitter at times, but I'm not on there every second. And it does drive me nuts when people tell me every single thing they're doing. :P

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  5. @Ru gaaaaaa #Itotallygetit! Just kidding. But, yeah, I get it and share your rage about the internets in general and the check engine light in particular.

    Plus, "*litigates*" caused a snort.

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  6. Skippy - ha, you weren't entirely supposed to. :)

    It's not that I hate twitter, I just hate how most people use it. If you want to be funny or informative, have at it. But too many people think that the rest of the world should have a play-by-play of their every waking thought. Trust me, the universe does not find

    2:01 Got a coffee
    2:05 Mmmmmm, vanilla
    2:45 Missed my bus!
    2:47 HAHA, JK!
    3:00 Should I make lasagna or enchiladas for dinner?
    etc etc etc
    day after day after day

    all that interesting. I think it's a seriously troubling sign of narcissism.

    Heidi - if I'd wanted to insult someone, you'd know it. Believe it or not, I do not literally think that twitter is a plague upon the children of men. Actually, I'm just kind of a sarcastic, grumpy person, as I would have imagined my other posts would have made clear.

    And for the record, I absolutely disagree that there is no reason to insult those who enjoy stupid things. The Jackass movies, for example. I could list more, but I'm already bored.

    Robin - It sure does! Cabin adventures PLUS a pupperlup made everything better :)

    Chantele - agreed. I have one, I use it occasionally, and I doubt everything I have to say is fascinating, but I hope I've never created a daily log of my trips to the restroom.

    Gurrbonzo - glad I could oblige :)

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  7. Clarifying above comment -

    Skippy - you weren't especially supposed to get the following in total:
    NO MORE FAILURE, INTERNET. Let's all commit to reaching beyond the easily grasped standard of mediocrity, and remove this specter of asshatism from our collective generation. Together, we shall move forward with all means of valor, casting false self-deprecation in the form of announcements of "failure," exclamation points, and any mention of chocolate by the wayside, knowing these things to be mere crutches of the intellectually untaxed and Cathy comic strip wannabees, and striving for a reduction of lameness and oversharing, which is the truest mark of honor and glory we may hope to achieve.

    It doesn't entirely make sense.

    There was no specific Cathy reference to any one person.

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  8. So, um, you like Twitter then, right? ;)

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  9. Kristine - haha, you got that, did you? :) Honestly, I don't mind the theory of twitter, just the way some people treat it as a log of their every waking thought. Plus the oversharing factor. I think there should be a mandatory tmi hashtag for some people. Like, whoa.

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