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Monday, May 9, 2011

Problems with gaydar

So a lot of attention gets paid to single Mormon folk.  Did you know this?  Well, now you do. 

It was actually a big topic of conversation at the last General Conference -- get married, get married, get married.  Wait, what are we supposed to do?  Kidding, kidding, I heard it.

Mormon oldies put a lot of thought and effort into how to make us all pair off and make babies, which inevitably reminds me of the scene in Keeping the Faith where Ben Stiller's rabbi character blurts out, "There's a reason why pandas don't mate in captivity!" Anyway, I have come up with my own solution.

Closeted Mormon gay boys?  Please just come out of the closet.

I have been on a date with a gay Mormon boy before.  Probably more than one, honestly, but only one that I am positive was a Kinsey-scale 6.*

I know I have a lot of gay friends, and therefore maybe I see gayness where there is none.  But this kid?  It was like being on a date with Carson Kressley.  He managed to cock every joint in his upper body--wrist, neck, elbow, hip--all while sitting down.  When he asked me how my week had been going and I admitted to being busy and having some trouble sleeping, he patted my hand and said, "Oh sweetie!  Ya do look a little ragged."

(For the record, I did not look ragged--I had a particularly cute outfit on.  But I was so blown away by the utter gayness of that sentence that I didn't even realize it was also rude for about ten seconds.)

The problem comes in when you go on a date with a guy and think, "I am 25% sure he's gay."  Or, "This one's at least 75% gay."  Or, "You know, he's a complete toss up."  In general, I find Mormon men a little bit more effeminate than your average Joe. It's something about the culture, I guess. And the ones who aren't that effeminate? Well, let's just say a sizable chunk of those remind me of Chris Cooper's character in American Beauty.** 

Hint.  Hint. 

But if all the truly gay ones would just come out of the closet, then I wouldn't have this problem anymore. (And yes, once again, it's all about me.)  Even if a guy was questionable (in the effeminate or American Beauty sense), I could feel confident in thinking, "Well, if he were gay, he would have said something by now.  And also not have asked me on this date."

You're welcome for the idea, General Authorities.



* For the record, it was a blind date.  No, I don't regularly accept dates from gay boys.  Yes, I wanted to strangle the match-maker in this case.

** Just in case the question is prompted ... yes, I know a lot of non-effeminate, non-compensating Mormon men, including friends and relatives.  I'm just saying the overall percentages are higher, and that makes for some awkward dating experiences. 

8 comments:

  1. Not to laugh at your pain, but can I say how happy I am to be OUT of the dating scene? I was never any good at it.

    My hubby is a cowboy (well, once-and-wanna-be-future), and, other than a most convenient willingness to purchase my supplies for me, is not at all effeminate, but you're right that Mormon men are more metro-sexy than the average.

    So sad we couldn't get together!!

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  2. LOL! Sounds like all he needed to do was break into a routine from Glee and there would have been no denying the gayness!

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  3. It's the crying. Why do Mormon men cry all the time? Have you ever seen the Utah Legislature close out a session? It's worse than a Red Hat Society viewing of Beaches. And Glen Beck has brought this crying thing the mainstream...

    I cry, but it is only when a dog dies/has serious problems* or during an Aaron Sorkin show that fills me with hope, patriotism and idealism.**

    * see Fox and the Hound
    **This also includes Obama's presidency because I feel like it is part of a Sorkin mini-series.

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  4. I dated five-FIVE!-gay boys before honing my gaydar so as not to have the all too common scenario of being left after 22 years of marriage because my husband can no longer deny his attraction to men. It's happened more often than it ever needs to, and more than anyone might find believable.

    UGH.

    I'll hook you up with my brother. He's 110% NOT gay, just the nice guy that finishes last.

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  5. LOL!!
    Awesome.
    The other thing - my husband and I waited 7 years to have kids. You should have heard the sisters in RS... no shame I"m telling you. And now that our youngest of 2 is 4, they all seem to think it's okay to ask if we'll have more. And i say, thanks, but I prefer my sanity, and laugh it off. There is NO way we're having more than two. Just funny, the whole culture thing...

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  6. Well at least you got some very funny material from your disastrous date! Love hearing the whole Mormon take on dating - hilarious!

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  7. This post cracks me up to the nth degree. I am in theater and way exposed to this scene. I can set you up with plenty of closeters if you need another;-)

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  8. I have to say, this post cracked me up. It's funny cuz it's true.

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