For various reasons we will not discuss now, I am in the market for large appliances.
I have to tell you, as someone who likes to shop, I totally understand the happy-blissy feeling that accompanies the purchase of new shoes or an extra soft cardigan. But people -- French door refrigerators? So much better than that. Oh, French-door refrigerator ... I would crawl up inside you and take a nap if that episode of Punky Brewster hadn't taught me not to.
But not everything is as simple as the feelings of lust 27 cubic feet of refrigerated goodness can inspire in me. No, other things are like, "Did you even know that dishwashers could be portable? What is the advantage of a portable dishwasher, do you think? And what's this--a TWO-DRAWER dishwasher? That would solve my suspicion that the top rack of dishes are not getting quite as clean as the bottom rack."
"Compactor? I think I want a compactor, if only so I can have another sleek black-and-stainless-steel shiny thing. A matched set! But whatever would I compress? And won't that just make the trash super heavy on trash day?"
"Why is this gas cooktop so much more expensive than this other, substantially similar gas cooktop? And why do I feel compelled to believe that the more expensive appliance is the better appliance?"
And, "If I was going to be raised in a community that hit me over the head with gender roles at every corner, why did no one ever tell me whether it's better to have a range or a double oven? I could bake so many cookies! And yet lose so much cabinet space!"
It gets worse when you move into laundry appliances. "I really want this front-load washer, partly because I heard it gets laundry cleaner, but mostly because it looks AWESOME. But why is the front-load dryer that costs the same as this washer so much bigger? Is it better to have a bigger dryer than your washer? Won't that look funny? I can't imagine wanting to dry a sleeping bag or small sheep. And what is the advantage of the gas dryer versus the electric dryer? And when did that become a difference? Why have I lived on this earth for 27 years and never been informed of this distinction?"
Also -- does anyone else find it sort of odd that we call washer and dryers "washers and dryers"? Maybe it's just that I've said the words "washers and dryers" about four thousand times this week, but it's a little caveman to be calling a noun after the verb for which you use it. No, these aren't my sneakers -- they're my "walkers." This isn't a keyboard, it's a "typer." No?
Paint chips are so much easier.