Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Burst bubbles

My dad and I were watching Suspicion the other day -- it's an Alfred Hitchcock film about a woman who comes to suspect that her husband is trying to murder her.  Spoiler alert (for a movie that's in black-and-white ...): He's actually trying to think of ways to kill himself to avoid crushing debt and social humiliation.  They hug.  Music swells.  Roll credits.

My dad turned to me and said, "How long do you think Lena and Johnnie last?"

No hesitation.  "Six months."

Look, I get it.  They love each other.  But at some point in their relationship, she thought he was trying to MURDER her.  And he's a profligate gambler.  They're on the train to Divorce Town with a brief layover in Second Honeymoon Land.

Which got me thinking about a few other classic movie couples ...

Little Mermaid
Status: Divorced
Reasoning: "I'm sixteen, I'm not a child!"  Also, he fell in love with her when she couldn't talk.

Beauty and the Beast
Status: Still married, but in counseling
Reasoning: They did discover inner-beauty in each other, after all.  But as my friend Diego pointed out, there was a bit of domestic violence at the beginning of that relationship.

Status: Don't make it past third date
Reasoning: Chang is unable to resolve the inherent homoeroticism in wooing someone he once thought was a man.

Snow White
Status: Unhappily married
Reasoning:  He's closeted gay, duh.  And she sings to forest creatures -- not exactly the kind of girl able to embrace the truth.

Status: Still married
Reasoning: Sure, there was some lying, but it was fairly swiftly resolved.  But at least Jasmine was of legal drinking age when they got engaged and Aladdin has displayed some kind of work ethic.  That can make up for a lot of things.

Bridget Jones' Diary
Status: Happily married
Reasoning: They clicked.  They found each others' flaws endearing.  They're legitimately interesting people.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Status: Bitterly divorced
Reasoning: They didn't click.  Their flaws led to a series of misunderstandings that would never happen in real life.  She's legitimately neurotic and irritating.  He's legitimately nauseating for putting up with that. 

Sixteen Candles
Status: Broken up by prom
Reasoning: Pretty sure he advocated date rape of his current girlfriend at one point.

You've Got Mail
Status: Never make it to the altar
Reasoning: He's charming, she's a nose-crinkler.

The Wedding Singer
Status: Happily married
Reasoning: They were always sweet to each other.  Kind people whose relationships aren't based on absurd and cruel premises (cough, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, cough) generally make it.

Pretty Woman
Status: So divorced
Reasoning: Everything

Any I missed?


  1. Cinderella and Prince Charming. There is no way that lasted. Their whole relationship was based on a chase. Chase over=relationship over.

  2. brilliant...may i say i'm proud to call you family.

  3. What's the status of the happy couple in Sleepless in Seattle?

    Any good relationship starts with stalking, right?

    Maybe Jonah ended up with Meg Ryan's character. He sure took a liking to her letter.

  4. Stephanie and Leigh - I'm inclined to agree. Relationships based on stalking/chasing an elusive object of desire that you really don't know too much about is a recipe for disaster.

    Kate - right back atcha. :)

  5. Pirates of the Caribbean
    Status: Separated-Staying Together for the Kid

    Reasoning: The ultimate long distance relationship that was flung together during an intense courtship that was then bound by a child and some weird Voodoo curse or something.

    Status: Divorced

    Reasoning: Apes are not know to mate for life and having been raised in society of apes that does not promote monogamy(because it is detrimental to the species) Tarzan adapts poorly to Jane's Victorian ideals.

    The Bee Movie
    Status: Separated

    Reasoning: He is a damn bee and bestiality with an invertebrate can never work...sorry Seinfeld.

  6. Your Mulan analysis made me fall off my chair. -Cheers!