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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'm the worst

I eat a lot of candy and drink even more Diet Coke when I'm studying.

And even though I'm the only one who eats my jellybeans, I still end up eating all the good flavors first, leaving only cinnamon, cream soda, Dr. Pepper and pear.


So tragic.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Mormon Quirk Roundup

I realize it's been awhile since I mocked something from church, and I'm sure you all have been missing my cynicism. (Also, I have been missing opportunities to not be studying.)

My ward has an "employment specialist" calling, as I'm sure many wards do. These people help fellow congregants improve their resumes, collect job board postings, etc. Maybe they even do mock interviews, I don't know, but I'm sure they're very helpful, especially in economic times like these.

Now, maybe this is a common phenomenon that I am only noticing for the very first time today ... but my ward has a "Ladies' Employment Specialist" and a "Guys' Employment Specialist."

Make of that what you will.

No, Tim! No, no, no!

OK, I know this is a couple days late, but seriously Tim Riggins? Jailbait? Jailbait with whom you have had some tender brother-sister moments? Jailbait with self-esteem and daddy issues? And, oh yeah, in case you've forgotten - you've done naughty things to her mother. Those scenes from next week better be misleading me!

Sigh.

It bums me out when characters make bad personal choices.

(And yes, dropping out of college to get into the chop-shop business were also bad choices, but they were plot-advancing bad choices, so they're forgiven.)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Rage ... building ...

I like to think of myself as a non-complainy neighbor.

But if the mothercussers above me don't stop operating a chop shop in their apartment, because THAT IS WHAT IT EFFING SOUNDS LIKE, I'm going to slice them up like fish. The aftermath is going to look like a scene from Boondock Saints or Kick-Ass. In other words, NOT PRETTY.

I may normally be sunny of spirit and squishy of abs, but seriously. Do not mess with a girl five weeks from the bar unless you want your living room to look like the beaches of Normandy.*





* OR, if you don't want to receive a sternly worded warning from the management after I call to complain.

Torts and Cougar Town

In case all of you aren't watching Cougar Town, I just want you to know - way funnier than you might expect.

Jules sends her ex-husband and best friend's husband over to the reclusive neighbor's house to get him to come to her BBQ:



Cougar Town on relationships:



And middle aged dudes being funny:




Oh Courtney Cox, Jordan from Scrubs, and the chick from Freaks and Geeks/Dawson's Creek ... how you get me through defenses to intentional torts.  Thanks, ladies.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Daaaaaaaaaamnit

I believe I may have previously alluded to the fact that I have no willpower.

Well, I've been trying to save money.  As someone who is already relatively fiscally responsible, I figured this wouldn't be too tough.  All you have to do is not buy stuff.

But then Amazon dropped the price on the Kindle.

I mean, it holds 1500 books.

That's practically an investment, right?

This is how we do it

Bar studying update:

1. Thanks to a good friend by the name of Vogelerpants, I am back on track and am feeling a bit more confident in my ability to pass this test.

2. Once again, I find myself watching a lot of good and shameful TV while studying.  Last summer, Dexter (good) and True Blood (so, so shameful).  This summer, The Tudors (shameful, but not as shameful as True Blood) and Prison Break (good, but not as good as Dexter.)  I guess this means my taste is ... mellowing?

Whatever.  Bar studying brain.  I plan to use this excuse liberally in the next six weeks.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Ruh roh ...

I have read the outline on conflicts of laws twice, and I still have no idea what it's talking about.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Guest Post: "Constitutional Expert"

Hello there.

I am a Constitution expert.

How is this different than anyone who has merely studied the Constitution in-depth from a legal and/or historical perspective?  What makes my opinion so much more authoritative than anyone else's?  Why can I say the words, "This is unconstitutional" when mere mortal judges have to write like fifty pages going, "Constitutional case law has developed to the point that yada yada yada"?

Well, let's put it this way.

I have the ST/ENDS half of James Madison's BFF charm.

I have a copy of the original, Director's cut of the Constitution.  Spoiler alert: It was supposed to end with freeing the slaves, except that did not play well with test audiences below the Mason-Dixon line.

The Founders: inspired men.

When it comes to my academic achievements, I frankly have a stick up my ass so big that it would cause any normal person serious discomfort, but actually gives me the naughty tingles.  

Yes, what you see as "pompousness" is merely profound intellectual understanding.  You may have read the document, but my secret decoder ring, passed down through generations of Constitutional experts, lets me know that hidden in the Commerce Clause is an off-color joke about Patrick Henry's mother.  

The only reason I wasn't nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice after high school was that Scalia and Ginsberg are jealous of my game.  Well, hatas to the left.  I no longer want anything to do with the politically tainted whores of Babylon at One First Street.  That stink eye is for you, Roberts.  You know how they're umpires, calling balls and strikes as they see them?  I'm friggin' Instant Replay on the Jumbotron.  With me, there's no one screwing up a no-hitter, no tie with SLOVENIA.  Please.  My decisions are always unanimous, which is how you know they're right.  No disagreement, bitches.      

In fact, I love the Constitution so much that I secretly have an illegitimate child named Abignale with it.  Sadly, as a human-ancient document hybrid, Abie himself possesses no Constitutional rights.  And even though I am his human parent, I accept that because I respect the purity of the Constitution so much.  The Founders simply did not intend for the rights of citizenship to be bestowed upon abominations.

So you can read the Constitution all you want.  Go ahead and think about it even.  But for realsies.  Your puny mind will never comprehend Constitutional law the way mine can.

Unless you happen to agree with me.

This message has been Constitution-approved, suckas.  

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The three sea shells*

"I’m sick of being batted around like a ping pong ball.  Who the hell is in charge?  A bunch of accountants trying to make a dollar into a dollar ten?  I want to work.  I want to build something of my own.  How do you not understand that?"


- Mad Men












* In the movie "Demolition Man," Sylvester Stallone is a cop who was frozen in the 20th century and then defrosted at some point in the future.  After visiting the restroom, he tells his fellow future cops that they're out of toilet paper, and there were three sea shells where the T.P. should have been.  All the other characters laugh, because he doesn't know how to use the three sea shells.


The three sea shells are never explained.


Frustrating, right?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Pot-ty break (hee hee)

In the mystery building where I work in Austin (trust me, this time there's a point to the lies and evasions), I have an office on the Someteenth Floor.  It's a nice office with a decent view.  Unfortunately, I don't spend a ton of time there these days. 

I live on the Otherteenth Floor.  In the doc review room.
Now, really, I don't mind this.  Sure, there are days when I never see another living soul, but I get all the Diet Coke I can drink and the view of the Mystery Sports Arena(s) is amazing.  Also, when there's no one down here with me, I can listen to music or talk on the phone as loudly as I like -- and when there are other doc reviewers, I can chit-chat.  So overall, not a bad gig. 

But there's one funny thing about the Otherteenth Floor: the women's bathroom gets cleaned three to five times a day.

Did I mention that maybe 15 people total work on this floor?  Literally - my firm's half of the floor is storage.  There are no occupied offices.  The other half of the floor is leased to a different business, and I sometimes see people walk from the elevators to that side, so I know it is moderately populated.  But of those 15 people?  Maybe 7 are women.  The bathroom has four stalls and two sinks.  There is no way per-stall, per-sink usage on a daily basis merits this kind of attention. 

Of course, this has led me to conclude that the janitors are smoking pot in the women's bathroom of the Otherteenth Floor.  (Hence the cloak-and-dagger.  I don't want anyone getting fired.  In fact, I kind of admire their commitment to their drug of choice.)  Last week, I arrived at work at 6:30 am because I was leaving that afternoon to catch a flight.  Women's room - closed for cleaning.  At 10:00 am when I went to get my second Diet Coke, again - closed for cleaning.  I reported my findings to the other doc reviewers, and according to them, at 2:00 pm THAT SAME DAY, the women's room was again closed for cleaning.

I have shared this theory with a select few fellow doc reviewers, most of whom tend to be on board.

Because if anyone could get away with smoking pot on the job, it's janitors.  They have all the cleaning supplies, including heavy-duty air fresheners and other abrasive chemicals.  They know how the air vents work, and hence how to stop them up.  And most importantly - no one argues with the bright yellow "closed for cleaning" sign. 

No one. 

Monday, June 14, 2010

Tag, you're it

No, this is not one of those annoying chain letter-esque posts.

I have decided to go back through my old posts and add tags for greater ease of reading.  I am 90-100% sure I am the only one who will find this exercise worthwhile, but on the 10-0% chance any of you readers out in Blogland would appreciate some short cuts to old posts, I've decided to waste some time I should be spending on studying for the bar.

Well, that's kind of depressing

Fact: I have never seen an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Fact: Neither has Charlie.

Fact:  We still managed to have a conversation this weekend about how Kourtney is obviously the cute one.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Do you want your hair to look like pie?

Getting my hair done stresses me out.  (Anyone who knows me is nodding and saying, Yeah, but a lot of things stress you out ... and to them I say, Hush your mouth.)

Since moving to Austin, I have gotten my hair cut and dyed once, and it was a somewhat unpleasant experience.  I'm a bit of a control freak, and I tend to know exactly what I want when I walk into a hair salon.  But I'm also very corporate -- I respect the expertise of others.  So when someone who is presumably a trained hair expert tells me they think B when I want A, I find myself nodding in agreement.  Never mind that my stylist is covered in tattoos and has two nose rings* and I am hyperventilating; surely this person will not steer me wrong.  SHE HAS A CERTIFICATE TAPED TO HER WORKSPACE.

And the other annoying thing about me -- I have to admit, my hair looked okay after Austin Salon Experience Number One.  But it did not look how I wanted it to look.  And there's something infuriating about paying X amount, plus tip, for something I didn't want.  (On that point, I'm basically my father, but a 26 year old girl ... and unwilling to forgo a tip in almost every single circumstance.)

So after that experience, I decided to bite the bullet and go to a more "established" (read: expensive) salon. I didn't want to give up my firstborn child for new bangs and highlights, but unfortunately I was starting to look like Rapunzel, so I had to go suck it up.

My new, and hopefully future, stylist sat me down and listened to what I wanted.  She was also covered in tattoos, but hers were classier (yes, there's a difference, and I know, I'm a judgy mcjudgerton), and when she mentioned that she had started out doing hair and makeup for television and movies before becoming a teacher at hair school, I found myself becoming confident in her abilities.

Then comes my favorite part of getting my hair dyed -- picking the new color.  I knew I wanted light, golden brown highlights, but obviously there are a lot of different shades of "light brown."

But instead of putting the Big Book of Colors on my lap, my stylist pulled out a little flip chart.  "So I'm thinking we either want a red-based blond or a violet-based brown," she said.  "Here are the reds."

I leaned over to look at the chart ... and saw pictures of strawberries, fire engines, sunsets.  It was like Hooked on Phonics meets hair care.

She then flipped over to the violet-browns, where there were pictures of wire filaments and blackberry pie.  "I'm thinking that we mix this one," she said, pointing to the crust and then the filling.  "What do you think?"

I don't know.  Did I want my hair to look like pie or filament?

Revert to faith in professional training.  "Ummm ... sure.  I trust your judgment."

And for all you readers out there: "I trust your judgment" is Ru Code for, "Are you freaking kidding me? I don't even understand this question."

As the process went on, I became more and more concerned.  I know that stylists are trained to constantly compliment you, but it gives me serious pause.  Cammie, a friend who went to hair school, told me that whenever something starts to go wrong, you need to start complimenting immediately.  Nine times out of ten, you can convince the client that it looks good anyway.

So when New Stylist started rinsing out my hair and the first thing she said was, "Ooooh, the color looks so pretty!"  I really started to freak out.  When your hair is wet, you can't tell what color it is, especially when the difference is just dark brown to blackberry pie.

Then came the hair cut.  In most areas of my life, I find it comforting when people act decisively.  But when someone grabs a huge chunk of hair right by my face and cuts it off?  Eeep.  And the whole time, being showered with compliments - This looks great!  Your hair is so healthy!  I wish my hair was this thick! - each one, reminding me of Cammie giggling about how she once turned a lady's hair purple and still managed to get a tip.

But then ... voila.  My hair looked nice and soft, and still long and thick despite the mass quantities of cuttings littering the floor around my chair.  My bangs looked like bangs again, and not like I let a small child with scissors attack me.  I don't know what New Sylist did to mess up and start Compliment Offensive, but I really don't care.

What can I say?  Pie is apparently my color.



* Note: I have nothing against tattoos or nose rings.  In fact, I like a lot of tattoos.  I just want to note that my personal aesthetic runs more to the prissy end of the spectrum, and unpleasant experience has taught me that a lot of hair stylists tend to superimpose their own style on their clients.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Misleading ads

For anyone tempted to go see Prince of Persia ... you should know, there isn't nearly as much shirtless Jake Gyllenhall as the commercials may have led you to believe.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sweet vengeance

One of my many, many personality quirks is my obsession with fairness.  Think the first episode of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon buys all the hot dogs to spite the guy who cut in line.  

I inherited this trait from my dad, who is currently engaged in his own Quixotic battle.  Pops is a retired dentist/chiropractor/optometrist/acupuncturist who on occasion fills in for a friend so said friend can have time off.

About a month ago, he had a patient who left without paying.  No problem, things happen.  He had the patient's name, contact information and place of employment, so he called the lady and let her know there had been a mistake.

She informed him that since no one had made her pay at the time of her appointment, she wasn't going to pony up now.  A sort of losers-weepers attitude toward medical care.

Too bad she didn't know she was dealing with someone with an overdeveloped sense of justice.

Sure, it may only be $75.  But totally worth the sense of vindication to sue for it.

Go Pops.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Voir dire

Entertainment Weekly has recently published their list of the 100 greatest characters of the last two decades, and it has got my nerdy panties in a twist.  Now, I don't begrudge the good people at Entertainment Weekly their rating system, whatever it was, but I just don't see their point on some of these choices.

So let's break it down, folks.  Having discussed this list fairly extensively with with a couple of people, I feel fully justified in criticizing the work of people who actually get paid to write.


100. Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights

No objection; however, wish to express mild reservation at choice of Tim Riggins over Tami or Eric Taylor.

99. The Bride from Kill Bill

No objection.

98. Lisbeth Salander from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and its sequels

Haven't read it, no objection.

97. Violet Weston from August: Osage County

Haven't read it, no objection.

96. Bernie Mac from The Bernie Mac Show

Objection!  I love Bernie Mac, but is it really fair to say that one of the greatest "characters" of the last twenty years was a someone who was so loosely based on the actor that they shared the same name?  I give you the wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernie_Mac.  Note the choice of the words "semi-autobiographical."

95. Wilhelmina from Ugly Betty

No ... particular ... objection.

94. Truman from The Truman Show

Objection.  I understand the relevance of The Truman Show in the sense that pre-dated the explosion of reality TV, and that Jim Carey performed some amazing work.  But best character of the last two decades?  Pfhp.  Pshaw.  Other noises of derision.

93. Game Boys: Nathan Drake from the Uncharted series; Kratos from the God of War series; and Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto IV

No objection, though I really, really want to.  But I'm saving that for later ...

92. Christopher Boone from The Curious Incident of the Dog in Night-Time

Haven't read it, no objection.

91. Hancock from Hancock

Holy balls, are you kidding me?  HANCOCK?  As my friend Pedro (hee hee, Pedro ...) pointed out, Hancock isn't even the 91st best character Will Smith has played, much less the 91st best character of the last two decades.

90. Marge Gunderson from Fargo

No objection.

89. Wikus van de Merwe from District 9

No objection.

88. Napoleon Dynamite from Napoleon Dynamite

No objection.

87. Tony Stark from the Iron Man series

Objection.  I love the Iron Man movies.  I love Robert Downey Jr.  But Iron Man as a character did not originate in the last 20 years.  So sorry, try again.

86. Karen Walker and Jack McFarland from Will & Grace

(I would object, but I have a feeling that I'm swiftly running out of challenges.)

85. Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood

I'm an oilman, but in my free time, I like to travel around the country, sampling milkshakes.  

Ahem.

No objection.

84. Dr. Gregory House from House, M.D.

No objection.  Also, rawr.

83. Jen Yu from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

No objection.

82. Tracy Flick from Election

No objection.

81. Amanda Woodward from Melrose Place

No objection.

80. Gorillaz, the animated rock band

Really?  Gorillaz?  Remind me, what is the story behind Gorillaz?  Easier question -- what are the names of the individual Gorillaz?  You don't know?

I rest my case.

79. Elphaba from Wicked

No objection.

78. Patty Hewes from Damages

No objection, other than a vague sense that characters less than three seasons old are still generally questionable.

77. Mimi Marquez from Rent

No objection.

76. Tyler Durden from Fight Club

No objection, other than desiring clarification between the book and film.

75. David Brent from The Office (original version)

No objection, other than annoyance at the insistence that the British version is superior to the American version.

74. Don Draper from Mad Men

No objection.  Also, rawr.  (That's two rawrs now, for the record.)

73. Catherine Trammell from Basic Instinct

No objection.

72. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace from Battlestar Galactica

No objection.

71. Det. Alonzo Harris from Training Day

Objection.  The only thing that makes this character memorable in any way is that Denzel Washington was, for once, the bad guy.

70. Mary Katherine Gallagher from Saturday Night Live

No objection, but curiosity as to whether Mary Katherine Gallagher is really the best SNL character of the last two decades.

69. Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada

Isn't this character basically Anna Wintour?  I love Meryl, but for realsies.

68. Effie White from Dreamgirls

No objection.

67. Borat from Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

No objection.

66. Allie and Noah from The Notebook

No objection ... I guess.

65. Lorelai and Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls

No objection.  But am pretending the last few seasons didn't happen.

64. Maximus from Gladiator

No objection.

63. John Locke from Lost

No objection, and a hearty "hear, hear."

62. Jimmy Corrigan from Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth

I have no idea what this is.  So I object on principle.

61. Vic Mackey from The Shield

No objection.

60. Mary Jones from Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

I don't even know where to start with this.  But no.

59. Master Chief from the Halo series

No!  No no no no no no no no.  You cannot create a list devoted to the greatest CHARACTERS of the last twenty years and give the number 59 spot to Master Chief, a character real people PLAY and whose main characteristic is "Clint Eastwood-like."

58. Thelma and Louise from Thelma & Louise

No objection.

57. Clayton Bigsby from Chappelle’s Show

No objection.

56. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

No ... wait for it ... objection.

(Ok, that joke didn't work so well.)

55. Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock

Objection.  Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy or even Kenneth are clearly superior choices.

54. Juno from Juno

No objection.

53. Edward Cullen from the Twilight saga

Ugh.  Ugh ugh ugh.  If you must pick someone from Twilight, just pick all the characters in Twilight.  There is no way to argue that Edward Cullen is more dynamic or important than Bella, Jacob, or any of the other vampires.

Also, stop calling it a saga.  It's a series.  SERIES.

52. Annie Wilkes from Misery

Objection - again, it's cheating to use a character who was originated before the time limit.  Misery was first published in 1987.  You don't just get to pick the movie and call it good.

51. Omar Little from The Wire

No objection.

50. Pearl the Landlord from FunnyorDie.com

Surprisingly ... no objection.

49. Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman

No objection.

48. Red from The Shawshank Redemption

I hate to object over a movie I dearly love, but once again, Red is not a post-1990 character.  He's from a 1982 novella.

47. Corky St. Clair in Waiting for Guffman

Haven't seen it, no objection.  (I know, I know, I keep meaning to Netflix it.)

46. Jerry Maguire from Jerry Maguire

No real objection.  Vague sense of disquiet may result from my current feelings toward Tom Cruise, which is unfortunate.

45. Stewie Griffin from Family Guy

If you MUST pick someone from Family Guy, Stewie is the one.

44. Jack Bauer from 24

No objection.

43. Cal Stephanides from Middlesex

(Eye roll.)

(That is all.)

42. Sydney Bristow from Alias

No objection.

41. Harold and Kumar from the Harold & Kumar series

No objection.

40. Ron Burgundy from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

No objection.  Plus a smiley face.

39. Gob Bluth from Arrested Development

I've made a huge mistake ... actually, no I haven't.  Fantastic choice, EW people.

38. Elmo from Sesame Street

No objection.

37. Keyser Söze from The Usual Suspects

No objection.

36. Gollum from The Lord of the Rings

I repeat my Iron Man, Misery, Red, etc. objections.  Gollum as a character was created well before 1990.

35. Dexter Morgan from Dexter

No objection, but want to point out that Dexter Morgan from TV and Dexter Morgan from the book series are two different characters.

34. Cher from Clueless

No objection.

33. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2: Judgment Day

No objection.

32. Beavis and Butt-Head from Beavis and Butt-Head

Seriously?  Beavis and Butt-Head, but not Hank Hill?  Travesty.

31. Forrest Gump from Forrest Gump

Again, with the whole book/movie conundrum.

30. “Stephen Colbert” from The Colbert Report

No objection.

29. Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction

No objection.

28. Madea from several Tyler Perry films and plays

No objection.

27. Frasier from Frasier

No objection.

26. Kavalier and Clay from The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay

No objection.

25. Woody from the Toy Story series

No objection.

24. Felicity Porter from Felicity

No objection.

23. Austin Powers from the Austin Powers series

No objection.

22. Eric Cartman from South Park

No objection.

21. Roseanne Conner from Roseanne

No objection.

20. Ally McBeal from Ally McBeal

No objection.

19. Morpheus from The Matrix series

Delete the word "series," and you've got a deal.

18. Sue Sylvester from Glee

Ok.  The madness must stop.  I like Glee, but a character who has only appeared on screen 20 times does not beat Eric Cartman, Cher, Dexter, Tyler Durden, Don Draper, Gob Bluth, John Locke, Dr. House, etc.

17. Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider franchise

Quietly ... suppressing ... rage ...

16. Bridget Jones from the Bridget Jones series

No objection.

15. Shrek from the Shrek series

Shrek from Shrek  and Shrek 2, no objection.

14. Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski from The Big Lebowski

No objection.

13. Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean series

Mild confusion, but no objection.  Jack Sparrow was an interesting character in that he was an INTERESTING CHARACTER in a fairly boilerplate movie, but truly memorable?  And not annoying through two unnecessary sequels?

I take it back.  A big, fat OBJECTION.

12. Fox Mulder and Dana Scully from The X-Files

No objection.

11. Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld

Kramer over Elaine, George, Soup Nazi, Jackie Chiles, etc.?  When you just barely nominated Mulder and Scully together?  Okay ...

10. SpongeBob SquarePants from SpongeBob SquarePants

Ugh.  When will this obsession with SpongeBob end?  ARTHUR foreva!

But no real objection.

9. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City

Again, I don't think you have Carrie Bradshaw without Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

8. Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs and its sequels

No objection, except to point out that Red Dragon is the prequel.

7. Edward Scissorhands from Edward Scissorhands

Ummmm ... no objection, but seriously, how are these characters ranked?  Edward Scissorhands over Hannibal Lector?  For some reason?

6. Rachel Green from Friends

Really?  Just Rachel?  Of all the Friends?  If you nominate one of them, just nominate all of them.

5. The Joker from The Dark Knight

Again, The Joker didn't originate in 2008, even as great as Heath Ledger's performance was.

4. Tony Soprano from The Sopranos

No objection.

3. Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

No objection.

2. Harry Potter from the Harry Potter series

No objection.  Slight qualm at the No. 2 spot, since Harry sustained his badassery for seven books, six movies and ...

1. Homer Simpson from The Simpsons

... sigh.  Seek to clarify that the nominee is Homer Simpson from seasons 3 - 12, and you shall have no objection.



So where does that leave us?  Quite a few empty slots, wouldn't you say?  How ever will we fill them, you ask?

Well, I'm going to suggest (in no particular order) Veronica Mars, Belle, Drs. McNamara and TroyCaptain Malcolm Reynolds, Andy, Derek Zoolander, Harry BoschThe Giver, and The Father.

(For the sake of honesty, I'll admit I came thisclose to saying Rorschach and Farmer Hoggett and nearly making the pre-1990 book/post-1990 movie character mistake which annoyed me so greatly.  So maybe this is tougher than I thought.)

Do you all have any suggestions?




(Oh, yeah, that bar studying thing is going great.)

We like Ciroc, we love Patron


Blog post title from a song about alcohol?

Pictures of booze?

Ruh roh ...

Looks like I'm studying for the bar again.

Up tonight: criminal procedure.  Let's hope two hours going over outlines will cut it, because I sure don't have the energy for more than that.

Day One. 

Next up: Sixteen Candles starring Suri Cruise

Things that are wrong with the world:

1. They're remaking The Karate Kid.

2. It's going to star Jaden Smith, who is darling, but who is an ELEVEN YEAR OLD.

3. It's set in China.  With its rich history of karate.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

True or false?

This weekend, I heard one of the greatest may-be-true stories ever.  Over dinner, my friend Kate started to tell a story about a mutual friend's future-mother-in-law's coworker.  (It sounds extended because it is.)  Halfway through her story, though, my friend Diego exclaims, "I've heard this story!"  His coworker's wife is friends with the future-mother-in-law's coworker, and he'd heard the exact same story a few days before.

I have since relayed the story to my dad, who insists that it can't be true.  (He also doesn't believe in the om-nom-nom-kitten, so obviously his sense of wonder has been deadened over the years.)  His basis?  It's just too awesome.  Stories that awesome* don't happen.  Friendster Nelson has also expressed some disbelief, though he still thinks it's funny.  Brother Charlie is on my side, and thinks it's true.

Anyway, internet friends, I want to hear your take on the story.  True or false?  Are two independent confirmations of the story enough, or do you, like my dad, discredit it based on its incredibleness?






So this woman has a high-functioning autistic son, maybe 26 or 27.  He's six feet, four inches tall and thick - not fat, but large.  Anyway, a few days ago the mom gets a call at work from her son.  "Mom, mom!  I caught a troll!"

"That's awesome, hon," she says, thinking of those old troll dolls with the jeweled belly buttons and crazy hair.

Five minutes later, he calls again.  "Mom, mom!  You need to come home, I got a troll!"

"Honey, I'll be home at five," she says patiently.

A few minutes later, the same call.  The son calls two or three more times, always insisting that he has caught a troll and the mom needs to come home right away.

So the mom decides to leave work and goes home.  She walks in the door and she finds her son leaned against a closet, holding a handful of gummi worms.  He has pulled the bookcases over to his side of the room so they can be pushed against the closet door when he isn't there.  As she's standing there, watching him, he opens the closet door and throws the gummi worms inside.  "Mom!"  he yells.  "I caught a troll!"

And from inside the closet door, the mother hears a voice say, "Ma'am?  Hello?"

As it turned out, her son had imprisoned a little person census worker.**







* My version of awesome and your version of awesome may be two different things.  I am willing to admit this story might be considered crazy, sad or horrifying in some contexts.

** Strongly debated writing "midget" for the sake of clarity, even though it's not P.C.