Friday, July 9, 2010

Suck it (ha) True Blood

I'm going to start this rant with a disclaimer: I do not think the Twilight novels are well-written.  I think it's an interesting story, with several major flaws, including (but not limited to) an unlikeable main female character, a creepy stalker male love interest, and unrealistic and hopelessly ineffective antagonists.*

That being said, I would way rather re-watch or re-read an installment in the Twilight universe than sit through another interminably boring episode of True Blood.

Oh wait!  you say.  True Blood has been nominated for Emmys!  It has Oscar-winning actors!  It's on HBO!

But here's the thing, I say patiently in reply.  It sucks goat balls

I tried to give it a chance, I really did.  I watched nearly the entire first season.  I stopped when I remembered there was some kind of vampire-serial-killer plot, and I didn't give a crap about how it resolved itself.

I tried again with the second season.  Once again, the main bad guy -- Vibrating MaryAnn, both more and less dirty than it sounds -- was less interesting than Secured Transactions.  I would literally rather find out who perfected their financial interest first than find out the dealio with the weird bestiality orgy lady.

 All the characters are boring, except for Lafayette.  Sookie's super perfect and has an awful accent.  She struts around like there's so much INJUSTICE in the world, AND ONLY SHE CAN FIX IT.  It's like if Elizabeth Wakefield of the Sweet Valley High twins were Southern, poor and a mind-reading waitress.  When she inevitably has to choose between Todd and Jeffrey Bill and Eric or Bill and As-Yet-To-Be-Determined-Werewolf-Character, it is going to bore us all to tears.  Except some of us will be pretending that it's soooooo goooooooood.  Because it's on HBOOOOOOOOO.

Eric just stands around being hot.  I don't mind that, but it would be great if he would also exhibit a personality trait beyond that of "perv."  I'm sorry, but the objectification of a species (human) and gender (women) should not be hot.  Why are people drooling all over this guy?  And did I mentioned that he had girl hair for the first few episodes?  Flowy blond girl hair.

Jason stands around being hot.  Since he is hotter and dumber funnier than Eric, I am more tolerant of this.  In fact, he, Jessica and Lafayette should have their own show.  The three of them could be current college roommates/former college roommates/co-owners of a winery/a dissatisfied married couple and their friend/CSI investigators/high school students who sing their feelings, or all of the above, and it would still be less of a hot mess than True Blood.

Tara yells a lot.  I mean a lot.  That girl only has one volume.  I get it, her life sucks.  Apply for some federal aid and go to college.  "The man Ah looooved! The man Ah looooooooved is dayyyyyead!"  Oh shut up.

Bill doesn't have a personality.  Much like Sooooookah, he also has a terrible, terrible accent.  This is sometimes accompanied by terrible, terrible flashbacks.  Also, no mention is made of the fact that Bill is a murderer.  Not all the vampires on True Blood are bad guys, I guess, but I can't think of any examples off the top of my head.  Bill may be sucking down the synthetic blood now, but he could have been drinking human blood without killing humans since the Civil War.  Sadly, that was just inconvenient, and more sadly, no one on this show seems to care.  It's great that Sookie wants to overlook multiple homicides on the part of a self-reformed baddie, but do you have to get engaged to the committer of multiple homicides? 

You want to throw political realism into a fantasy television show?  Why doesn't someone indict one of these vampires for murder?  Much like your eternal life, the statute of limitations never ends, bitches.

Sam is boring.  Sam is so boring that I had to sit and think, "Who am I missing?  I thought this show had more characters?" for several minutes before going, Oh, Saaaaaaaam.  And have I mentioned that I have easily watched 12 episodes of this show between seasons 1, 2 and 3?  For crying out loud, it's not The Wire.  I shouldn't have to take notes to keep everyone straight when there's less than 10 characters.

For those of you who have never seen it, here's how an episode of True Blood goes.

Sudden violence.  Opening credits.  Sookie is outraged in a ridiculous accent.  Tara cries.  Lafayette says something witty.  Jason takes off his shirt.  Eric walks around without pants.  Sex fantasy.  Sex dream.  Boobs.  More violence.  Jessica says something funny.  Bill broods, and you're supposed to think it has something to do with his former life as a Southern gentleman, but it's really just that it's hard for a British guy to do a Southern accent.  Poorly drawn analogy to gay rights.  Tara yells.  Lafayette says something witty.  Tara and Sookie hug.  Jason says something dumb.  Male ass.  Something violent.  Boobs.  One of the southern extras says something racist.  Sam pops in to remind you that he's still on this show.  Jessica gets into hijinks, the consequences of which are dealt with over the course of the next five and a half episodes.  Eric says something blandly threatening/sexist while looking at Sookie's boobs.  Sookie is outraged in a ridiculous accent.  Eric and Bill express their total admiration for Sookie and her sassy boringness.  Something happens to advance the overall plot a millimeter.  Boobs.  Something violent.  Gasp.  End of episode. 

I'll take my Emmy now, thanks.

* This, actually, is my biggest beef.  I know much has been said of the weird Bella-Edward dynamic, but for me, it all comes down to the fact that none of the bad guys are worth fussing over.  Victoria?  Can't seem to kill one measly little human in the span of a year.  Literally, all she had to do was run up to Bella one day and snap her neck.  Done-zo.  Why did she always fail to achieve this goal?  Because the werewolves (who are only allowed to patrol half the town) might get her?  Umm, wasn't she able to kill SEVERAL humans without the werewolves getting her?  Oh wait, was it because the psychic vampires might be able to anticipate and stop her?  ISN'T SHE A VAMPIRE TOO?  CAN'T SHE RUN AT LEAST AS FAST AS THEY CAN?  Even when she compiles an ARMY OF VAMPIRES, she can't kill one girl.  She can  kill a whole bunch of other randoms, but not the one freaking girl she set out to kill.

Then there's the Volturi, the evil European vampires (who receive a verbal smack down courtesy of the American Revolutionary Vampire in Book 4, thank you very much) who maintain law and order in vampire world so humans won't know they exist.  The humans who, as we are told repeatedly throughout the series, HAVE NO CHANCE OF KILLING A SINGLE VAMPIRE.  If the vampires are so invincible that only other vampires and werewolves can kill them, AND EVEN THIS REQUIRES THAT THEY TEAM UP, who gives a shit that the humans don't know?  At least when vampires were stakeable or burnable or head-cut-off-able, it made sense to not let humans find out about their existence, because clever humans could overpower them.  When you're a totally unbeatable rock-hard vampire who can walk out in the sun with no problems, why don't you just announce your presence to the world and start ruling it with your glittery fist?

Also, how do the humans not already know?  You're not a normal vampire that can suck the same human's blood basically forever.  YOU KILL EVERYTHING YOU BITE ON THE VERY FIRST NIBBLE, including ROOMFULS OF TOURISTS.  And you have to do this on a fairly regular basis.  It's not like you can eat once a year.  You might kill 365 humans a year, and you live FOREVER.  Take the three head Volturi dudes, creepy little Dakota Fanning and British kid, that's 18,250 dead people in one decade.  That's a fairly large liberal arts college.  How does the FBI not already have a file on you in VICAP?


  1. I may be unsubscribing from this blog because of your talking crap about Eric.

    I think the second season of True Blood was odd.

    Have you read the books? The books are fun.

  2. OK, to clarify, the guy who PLAYS Eric is super handsome. But Eric himself is lametown. With the exception of the episode where he cries blood because the other dude blew himself up in the sun.

    The show is just so ridiculous. Someone just reminded me of the part from first season where Jason and the girl from Mean Girls are on the vampire blood and floating around with the green fairies and glittery stuff like a bad 80s music video. Ugh.

  3. Check, check and check. And can I throw in there how ridiculously overrated Alan Ball is?

  4. Alan Ball is NOT overrated. Have you ever seen SFU? uh-mazing, especially the finale.

    I forgive you haha.

    He is pretty lame in the tv series. In the book series, he is my number 1!!! And I think he is beaaaautiful.

    I forgot about their getting high and hallucinating together. That was ridiculous.

  5. Despite the fact that I like true blood and don't wholly agree with your view on its lack of entertainment, I thought this was a funny and semi-true 'analysis' of the show!

    And off hand, I think the reason the Volturi don't want to scare humans by making their presence known is that they kind of like having a beautiful world around. They don't want the chaos of humans vs vampires starting. I mean do you really wanna kill off your food source?! Or put it in cages? Free range probably tastes better!

    What fantasy mix series do you think IS worth watching?!

  6. Assuming that wasn't a rhetorical question ... :) ... as far as TV fantasy goes, I would recommend Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries.

    Supernatural - going into its 6th season, manages to maintain a solid overall story arc every season while still providing entertaining individual episodes. It meanders a little at times, but with 22ish episodes every season, that can be somewhat forgiven. (Which is part of my aforementioned beef with True Blood - they only have 12 episodes a season, how do they manage to waste so much time?) Supernatural has moments that are genuinely scary, despite airing on network TV, and (with the last two seasons especially) usually has moments that are just downright hilarious.

    The Vampire Diaries - if you want to watch a vampire-based TV show, this one is totally better than True Blood (but will never be mentioned as such, since it is on the CW, and doesn't have the same "pedigree" of producers/actors.) I will grant you, the books were trashy little novels that I adored when I was thirteen, and was very amused to see get a 2008 update after the Twilight craze. (Those books were old when I was in junior high reading them.) But what makes The Vampire Diaries better than True Blood is pacing. Something happens EVERY SINGLE EPISODE to advance the plot. And usually pretty big things, too. Who's a vampire? Who isn't? How did they become vampires? Why do they hate each other? What's the big evil plot? What's the big secret so-and-so is hiding? On True Blood, it would take an entire season to answer these questions and on The Vampire Diaries it's like two episodes. Nothing gets dragged out on that show, which is why it's exciting to watch. Shouldn't a program about vampires be exciting, after all? And on top of that, it doesn't take itself seriously. It knows it's a cheesy vampire TV show, and never does the self-congratulatory "oh, we're so awesome moment."

    And as for sci/fi TV, LOST (which I hate a love-hate relationship with) and Firefly both rock the socks off True Blood.

    There are probably more to be mentioned, but I don't watch QUITE as much TV as I just implied. :)

  7. i laughed out loud 3 times. i think i hate twilight so much because i hate kristen stewart so much. she sucks.

    did you hear this one: Why is World Cup soccer like Twilight?

    Answer: For two hours everyone runs around and no one scores.