That being said, I would way rather re-watch or re-read an installment in the Twilight universe than sit through another interminably boring episode of True Blood.
Oh wait! you say. True Blood has been nominated for Emmys! It has Oscar-winning actors! It's on HBO!
But here's the thing, I say patiently in reply. It sucks goat balls.
I tried to give it a chance, I really did. I watched nearly the entire first season. I stopped when I remembered there was some kind of vampire-serial-killer plot, and I didn't give a crap about how it resolved itself.
I tried again with the second season. Once again, the main bad guy -- Vibrating MaryAnn, both more and less dirty than it sounds -- was less interesting than Secured Transactions. I would literally rather find out who perfected their financial interest first than find out the dealio with the weird bestiality orgy lady.
All the characters are boring, except for Lafayette. Sookie's super perfect and has an awful accent. She struts around like there's so much INJUSTICE in the world, AND ONLY SHE CAN FIX IT. It's like if Elizabeth Wakefield of the Sweet Valley High twins were Southern, poor and a mind-reading waitress. When she inevitably has to choose between
Eric just stands around being hot. I don't mind that, but it would be great if he would also exhibit a personality trait beyond that of "perv." I'm sorry, but the objectification of a species (human) and gender (women) should not be hot. Why are people drooling all over this guy? And did I mentioned that he had girl hair for the first few episodes? Flowy blond girl hair.
Jason stands around being hot. Since he is hotter and
Tara yells a lot. I mean a lot. That girl only has one volume. I get it, her life sucks. Apply for some federal aid and go to college. "The man Ah looooved! The man Ah looooooooved is dayyyyyead!" Oh shut up.
Bill doesn't have a personality. Much like Sooooookah, he also has a terrible, terrible accent. This is sometimes accompanied by terrible, terrible flashbacks. Also, no mention is made of the fact that Bill is a murderer. Not all the vampires on True Blood are bad guys, I guess, but I can't think of any examples off the top of my head. Bill may be sucking down the synthetic blood now, but he could have been drinking human blood without killing humans since the Civil War. Sadly, that was just inconvenient, and more sadly, no one on this show seems to care. It's great that Sookie wants to overlook multiple homicides on the part of a self-reformed baddie, but do you have to get engaged to the committer of multiple homicides?
You want to throw political realism into a fantasy television show? Why doesn't someone indict one of these vampires for murder? Much like your eternal life, the statute of limitations never ends, bitches.
Sam is boring. Sam is so boring that I had to sit and think, "Who am I missing? I thought this show had more characters?" for several minutes before going, Oh, Saaaaaaaam. And have I mentioned that I have easily watched 12 episodes of this show between seasons 1, 2 and 3? For crying out loud, it's not The Wire. I shouldn't have to take notes to keep everyone straight when there's less than 10 characters.
For those of you who have never seen it, here's how an episode of True Blood goes.
Sudden violence. Opening credits. Sookie is outraged in a ridiculous accent. Tara cries. Lafayette says something witty. Jason takes off his shirt. Eric walks around without pants. Sex fantasy. Sex dream. Boobs. More violence. Jessica says something funny. Bill broods, and you're supposed to think it has something to do with his former life as a Southern gentleman, but it's really just that it's hard for a British guy to do a Southern accent. Poorly drawn analogy to gay rights. Tara yells. Lafayette says something witty. Tara and Sookie hug. Jason says something dumb. Male ass. Something violent. Boobs. One of the southern extras says something racist. Sam pops in to remind you that he's still on this show. Jessica gets into hijinks, the consequences of which are dealt with over the course of the next five and a half episodes. Eric says something blandly threatening/sexist while looking at Sookie's boobs. Sookie is outraged in a ridiculous accent. Eric and Bill express their total admiration for Sookie and her sassy boringness. Something happens to advance the overall plot a millimeter. Boobs. Something violent. Gasp. End of episode.
I'll take my Emmy now, thanks.
* This, actually, is my biggest beef. I know much has been said of the weird Bella-Edward dynamic, but for me, it all comes down to the fact that none of the bad guys are worth fussing over. Victoria? Can't seem to kill one measly little human in the span of a year. Literally, all she had to do was run up to Bella one day and snap her neck. Done-zo. Why did she always fail to achieve this goal? Because the werewolves (who are only allowed to patrol half the town) might get her? Umm, wasn't she able to kill SEVERAL humans without the werewolves getting her? Oh wait, was it because the psychic vampires might be able to anticipate and stop her? ISN'T SHE A VAMPIRE TOO? CAN'T SHE RUN AT LEAST AS FAST AS THEY CAN? Even when she compiles an ARMY OF VAMPIRES, she can't kill one girl. She can kill a whole bunch of other randoms, but not the one freaking girl she set out to kill.
Then there's the Volturi, the evil European vampires (who receive a verbal smack down courtesy of the American Revolutionary Vampire in Book 4, thank you very much) who maintain law and order in vampire world so humans won't know they exist. The humans who, as we are told repeatedly throughout the series, HAVE NO CHANCE OF KILLING A SINGLE VAMPIRE. If the vampires are so invincible that only other vampires and werewolves can kill them, AND EVEN THIS REQUIRES THAT THEY TEAM UP, who gives a shit that the humans don't know? At least when vampires were stakeable or burnable or head-cut-off-able, it made sense to not let humans find out about their existence, because clever humans could overpower them. When you're a totally unbeatable rock-hard vampire who can walk out in the sun with no problems, why don't you just announce your presence to the world and start ruling it with your glittery fist?
Also, how do the humans not already know? You're not a normal vampire that can suck the same human's blood basically forever. YOU KILL EVERYTHING YOU BITE ON THE VERY FIRST NIBBLE, including ROOMFULS OF TOURISTS. And you have to do this on a fairly regular basis. It's not like you can eat once a year. You might kill 365 humans a year, and you live FOREVER. Take the three head Volturi dudes, creepy little Dakota Fanning and British kid, that's 18,250 dead people in one decade. That's a fairly large liberal arts college. How does the FBI not already have a file on you in VICAP?