Saturday, June 19, 2010

Guest Post: "Constitutional Expert"

Hello there.

I am a Constitution expert.

How is this different than anyone who has merely studied the Constitution in-depth from a legal and/or historical perspective?  What makes my opinion so much more authoritative than anyone else's?  Why can I say the words, "This is unconstitutional" when mere mortal judges have to write like fifty pages going, "Constitutional case law has developed to the point that yada yada yada"?

Well, let's put it this way.

I have the ST/ENDS half of James Madison's BFF charm.

I have a copy of the original, Director's cut of the Constitution.  Spoiler alert: It was supposed to end with freeing the slaves, except that did not play well with test audiences below the Mason-Dixon line.

The Founders: inspired men.

When it comes to my academic achievements, I frankly have a stick up my ass so big that it would cause any normal person serious discomfort, but actually gives me the naughty tingles.  

Yes, what you see as "pompousness" is merely profound intellectual understanding.  You may have read the document, but my secret decoder ring, passed down through generations of Constitutional experts, lets me know that hidden in the Commerce Clause is an off-color joke about Patrick Henry's mother.  

The only reason I wasn't nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice after high school was that Scalia and Ginsberg are jealous of my game.  Well, hatas to the left.  I no longer want anything to do with the politically tainted whores of Babylon at One First Street.  That stink eye is for you, Roberts.  You know how they're umpires, calling balls and strikes as they see them?  I'm friggin' Instant Replay on the Jumbotron.  With me, there's no one screwing up a no-hitter, no tie with SLOVENIA.  Please.  My decisions are always unanimous, which is how you know they're right.  No disagreement, bitches.      

In fact, I love the Constitution so much that I secretly have an illegitimate child named Abignale with it.  Sadly, as a human-ancient document hybrid, Abie himself possesses no Constitutional rights.  And even though I am his human parent, I accept that because I respect the purity of the Constitution so much.  The Founders simply did not intend for the rights of citizenship to be bestowed upon abominations.

So you can read the Constitution all you want.  Go ahead and think about it even.  But for realsies.  Your puny mind will never comprehend Constitutional law the way mine can.

Unless you happen to agree with me.

This message has been Constitution-approved, suckas.  


  1. I totally thought that said "James Marsden" and not "James Madison." That just shows you what a constitution expert I am.

  2. Oh. My. Word. I don't even know where to start with this. Brilliant.

  3. Love the World Cup reference :)