Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I am about to vomit down your back

Appropriate response when someone gets engaged: I am so happy for you.

Inappropriate response: FINALLY.

No matter how long someone has dated before getting engaged -- three months, three years, three decades -- it is NOT okay to assert your opinion that this should have come about earlier than now.  If they've dated awhile, it's simply because the natural progression of their relationship took that long, and if they're engaged at this point, they probably ENJOYED their time dating.  So why do you feel the need to assert your opinion that things could have moved along more quickly?

And if they haven't dated awhile, believe me, you look like an even bigger moron.  Case in point: the sweet spirit down at BYU who apparently thinks a courtship of seven months is unnecessarily extensive.

This is why I hate facebook.  I see a friend is engaged, I want to write something nice on her wall.  Instead I become infuriated by comments of a non-mutual friend who I cannot yell at via facebook wall because that would violate facebook etiquette.

(No, I am not engaged.  I realize this post may cause some confusion.  I'm still the same delightful old spinsty (thanks TAMN) that I always have been, and most likely always will be.  :)   But if Mr. Right ever does come along, he better be armed with an even bigger diamond than the one pictured above.  I'm not picky, I just want some acknowledgment that I'm a grown up, and grown ups wear at least 1 carat.  (No offense to anyone out there who proposed with or accepted a ring smaller than 1 carat.  Console yourself with the fact that you won't die alone, and that someday you can upgrade.))

Random sidenote of the day: My friends Hannah and Brett have been pondering the wed-or-not-to-wed question lately, and Hannah has expressed some reservations about an engagement ring.  Namely, she doesn't want to contribute to unethical diamond mining practices, but she does want a big-ass diamond ring.  (I mean, who doesn't?  Big fat liar pantses, that's who.)  

So after debating this issue, my friend Kate asked her husband Ryan if her ring was blood-diamond free. He said, "No.  I got yours with extra blood."

That's true love right there.


  1. bwahahaha on the "finally." i got the "finally" after a two month dating-to-engagement courtship. _________________(judging space.)

    however, as someone who may or may not wear the requisite carat allotment (emphasis on the MAY,) i don't think it's the sign of being a grown-up, i think it's a sign of personal taste. (which is fine.)

    case in point: we all know those 18 year old brides who were gifted the 5 carat knuckle crusher by their 30 year old fiances as a bribe.

    those people aren't grown-ups. those people are....wait for it....MORMON CHILD BRIDES.

    i slay myself. i really do.

  2. Oh my ... I hadn't even CONSIDERED the 5 carat knuckle crusher scenario. Touche, Stephanie, touche.

    And you're right, the one-carat rule is a matter of personal preference. I must admit, my one-carat rule is due to the fact that I inherited my dad's chubby man-fingers, and anything less than one-carat on my hands is laughable. Double tragedy for me. :/

    PS - You got "finally" after two months? That is truly awesome.

  3. PPS - I guess I just know too many uneducated twenty year olds who get their CZ engagement rings at Target ... complete with employee discount ... and then proceed directly to moving into their parents' basement. (These people may or may not be related to me.) For them, the ring size/maturity analogy still applies.

    Going to have to work on an appropriate analogy for the 30/18 scenario you outline ...

  4. I hear you, BUT, I told our dear ebv it was about damn time when he got engaged, and I meant it, and I'm not taking it back. But that is the exception.

    And I'm a moron about rings. Don't care. At all. Not a lie.

    In other news, and speaking of weddings, (brace yourself for a tangent), I know I'm grumpy, but sometimes I feel like people want a parade thrown. Yes, you're getting married, and we're all happy for you, but it's an enormous life-changing deal to YOU and your soon-to-be-spouse. It's just not as big of a deal to the rest of us. People get married all the time. I just don't think it's fair to expect people to jump up and down about every detail, e.g., "I tried on dresses!" "I found a dress!" "I got the dress fitted!" "We chose centerpieces!"

    I feel the same way about pregnancy play-by-plays. Yes it is a miracle and yes it is awesome and yes it is exciting. I don't expect ANYONE, even my sweet mother, to have ANY interest in seeing 40 pictures of me expanding week-by-week. There's a baby inside, so I get bigger. That's a fact of life.


    Thank you for your time.

  5. Ah yes, EBV...good point. Man, I am totally getting schooled tonight.

    Yeah, I wish I could say I didn't care about rings ... but I do. My innate snobbery was only stoked during my sorority days. I fear I'm now a perma-bitch. Meh. At least I like me the way I am.

    And I totally agree about how I don't need constant updates. I'm not good at faking constant enthusiasm.