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Friday, May 1, 2009

Big pimpin





There were a few mundane tasks my brother Charlie* left for me to do while he was on his mission.  Frequently update his facebook.  Check his email account. Get him re-registered for college classes for Fall 2009.  Find a dog to mate with his dog so his lineage would live on and there would be puppies at his homecoming.  You now, typical little tasks like that.

Over the last six months or so, I have scoured KSL Classifieds online in hopes that I can find Max’s eternal companion.  Charlie gets home from South Korea on May 16—a dog gestates for 63 days.  At the very latest, Max would need to do his thang by March 15. 

Unfortunately, all did not go as planned.  Remi, Max’s intended, a cute-as-cute-can-be yellow Labrador, is apparently unaware that a dog is supposed to into heat twice a year (though I guess I can’t blame her for holding out, I hate my period too.) 

But finally the day came, and Remi’s parents drove her up to Kaysville for a couple days of “congress,” as I have liked to call “it” ever since I had to do a book report on the Puritans in seventh grade.  Charlie wouldn’t get puppies by his homecoming, but knocked-up puppy mama is close enough. 

And then … nada.  

Mwah? 

According to two reputable vets, dog ovulation (which I have adorably shortened to “dogvulation”) occurs on the 11th, 13th, and 15th day after a female dog menstruates. (Why didn’t NBC ever do a “The more you know” public service announcement about this???  I can figure out racism is bad all on my own.)  So Remi's parents took her home, to return in roughly two weeks.

So the long-and-the-short of it is, Charlie will get neither puppies nor puppy mamas at his homecoming, but if he's lucky, he might just get a visual of some good-old-fashioned dog sex when my parents pull up to the house with him on May 16.


 * Not his real name.

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